Come on in 2008!

As well all know 2007 has not been the best year of my life. So I am welcoming 2008 with wide open arms! I hope that this year is 100 times better for not only me but all of you as well. Maybe this will be the year that things will take a turn for the better ( FINALLY). I wish all of you a Happy New Year!!!

Trouble in Paradise

I never took the time to think about what the death of a child would do to a relationship. I guess I just thought that it would go back to how it was. Or maybe I thought it would get better. Instead it has completely nosedived into Hell. Things were good before Kamryn was born ( or maybe I just chose to ignore them because I was so excited about being pregnant). After her death things started getting on my nerves. Things that he's done for forever. Some days are absolutely wonderful and I couldn't ask for better. Most days it's absolute hell. Friends tell me that I shouldn't worry about it because he doesn't beat me or cheat on me. I think it's almost as bad. His mother has always done everything for him, and his dad and uncle tell him that it's a woman's job to serve her man. I say that it's a mans job to support his family and that their son/nephew should get a better job so his "woman" can stay at home and do things there instead of her working two jobs. This shuts them up for awhile but then they're back at it. J doesn't say that it's how things should be but thats how he acts. I have had enough. I don't know what else to do. I can't handle that on top of missing Kamryn so much and dealing with everything else. All on my own. Am I the only one that things are going even more downhill for? I guess what they say is true: when it rains it pours. Pittsburgh isn't sounding so bad right now.

Question of the year

Wow this question left me in absolute shock. J and I were laying on the couch last night watching a movie. Out of nowhere J asked, " Can we try for another baby?" UH WHAT?! Are you out of your damn mind? I feel like I've lost mine this last year, especially the last month, and you ask me that? Of course I just told him that we'd talk about it later, but I couldn't even think about getting pregnant now. I am still grieving for Kamryn and I know that he just wants another baby to take the place of her. No other child could EVER take the place of her.
I am just so flabbergasted that he would even say that. Back in May or June the thought had crossed my mind when our doctor said " the best therapy for losing a baby is to have another one as soon as possible." Then it made a little sense. Now however I sit here thinking " Who the hell was he kidding?"

Thank God no breakdowns

Christmas went off without me breaking down one time. Well except for when I opened my dad's gift. He drew my name for Secret Santa and got me a huge frame with pictures of me from a baby till now with a few pictures of my grandma and great grandma's (the ones that Kamryn is buried by) and I cried hysterically for about 45 minutes. It's the best present I think that I could've asked for. It actually had meaning and I love presents like that. I think that I was only really sad once or twice because we have had so many new additions to our family this year and it was really hard to think that Kamryn should have been there too. It was funny when we found out we were pregnant last year we were in total shock. Already have suffered a miscarriage in May 2006. I had been really sick and went to the doctor. She told me it was the flu. Our friend Jason who was going through EMT class asked my symptoms and told me that it was allergies. After oh about 3 weeks of dealing with this I went back. Exact words from our doctor were: Pharyngitis, sinusitis and a double ear infection on top of being pregnant is enough to beat anyone's ass. Our mouths dropped. Defintely not expecting that. That was Halloween 2006. We didn't tell anyone for 3 weeks. When I told mom I told her exactly what the doctor said and she was as stunned as we were, but hugged me and said that everything would be okay. Now how to tell dad? What better way than to write him a note and put it in his Christmas card. Okay so maybe not the best way to tell someone that their daughter is pregnant but I was out of idea's. Once again he wasn't mad he was just a little stunned. I couldn't even believe the way J told his parents. We were all sitting there getting dinner ready. We hadn't decided when to tell them, but low and behold out of J's mouth came " Hey Grandma and Grandpa! " I was like GEEZ!! They were like yea!! I think they took it the best out of everyone. It was pretty humorous. We were all pretty skeptical of being pregnant since the last time our pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. We had the first ultrasound the day after Thanksgiving. I was so scared that they were going to give us bad news. My eyes were glued to the monitor and as I saw the little heart beating tears streamed down my face. I knew everything was going to be alright. You know after 12 weeks everything is supposed to be fine, especially when they say that there's a strong healthy heartbeat. Boy is that ever wrong. How could we possibly even begin to think that just 7 1/2 weeks later it would all be gone.
Until our situation I had never even heard of a stillbirth. I had no idea how frequently this happens. It's unbelievable how much of the population has no idea about this "club" that we are in.

Are the holidays over yet?

It seems like the Christmas holiday has been ongoing for MONTHS! I'm just so ready for it to be done and over with. Usually I thrive on this holiday but this year I absolutely hate it. I hate going to the store. I hate shopping. I hate wrapping presents, listening to the music and all that goes with it. Last night I went to Wal-Mart with my mom and I saw a baby girl and my eyes started to well up with tears! I'm just want to say "Kasey stop this you are fine things are going to get better. They can't get any worse" Or could they? My friend Mike is convinced I'm having myself a pity party. His words were: My dad died when I was 14 don't you think I was sad or angry, etc. Yeah I was but you have to learn how to get over it and not be so angry, depressed, and HATEFUL to everyone else. I would love to have my dad there to see my graduate, get married, see his grandchildren, but he won't be.
OKay I would've loved to have those couple of years with her. Yeah it definetly would've been harder really knowing her and letting her go but still. You've had about 10 years to get over the shock, anger, depression and everything else that goes with it. I've had about 10 months so go straight to hell. I know thats a little rough but it's how I feel. I also think that it's a little difference between your child and your parent. There is just a different kind of love for both of them.
To top everything off this holiday season J is giving me so much trouble over little things and I could just scream!!! I'm absolutely tired to death of coming in not 2nd or 3rd but 4th in his life. First comes work (which is understandable until he wants to get mad at me for doing other things when I'm off then hanging out with him when EVERY Saturday evening that I have off he's been doing DWI patrol with one of the deputies!!) , then his dad (not anyone else in his immediate family), his friends, and thenme. I just want to be noticed and little praise for all my hard work. Working both jobs and I've done ALL the shopping, ALL the wrapping, ALL the signing and sending of the Christmas cards. I actually thought of something he wanted for Christmas and got him that. He didn't like the gift I got his dad and took it back, keeps letting me know of the people I forgot to write cards out for, won't even wrap the gift that I bought for my step-mom for HIS secret santa gift, leaves the receipts laying around after he bought me something so that I know exactly what I'm getting,won't help finish the things that I have two days to get done and the GREATEST thing of all.: Bought himself a GUN!! What in hell??? All I can say is he's his fathers son. Christmas used to be fun and this year I can't wait for it to be over. I don't like to know what I'm getting. I like to be surprised and have things to open on Christmas morning, good luck getting that this year....... BAH HUMBUG.

PS: Really sorry about the complaining I'm just having a really hard time this week and I needed to get it out.

Kamryn's funeral

Kamryn's funeral was February 21st. For February it was absolutely gorgeous outside. We wore capri's and sandals. She is buried by her great grandma Joyce and great great grandma Petzoldt in a cemetery where the view is absolutly gorgeous. One day I actually took a picture of the sunset from where she is. My family was all really worried about me. I didnt want to go out and do anything, let alone leave my bed. Wal-Mart was absolute hell. I'd see a baby and turn and go the other way. I decided okay maybe its time to try and talk to someone. I went to this lady and we talked for awhile. It was going pretty good until she said to me " Kasey, babies die. It's life it happens." I was like what the hell are you talking about? Babies don't just die. Yeah 80 yr old people die but not babies. I almost got up and left right then and there. Then she said something that I could understand " Maybe God was saving her from something more horrific down the line." Finally something that I could think of as positive. Her autopsy came back during the week that J was on a business trip. Big mistake to open it before he got home. Everything that they said wasn't there or was underdeveloped they said and I quote "unremarkable". What the hell? How is that? Of all the times I was in the hospital no one ever checked the amniotic fluid. I asked about it and no one ever checked!
I thank God for a program that our hospital here has. It's called SHARE and this program is located throughout the country. They made little castings of her feet, which is by far my most prized possession, and gave us a little box with the tape that they measured her and the little outfit that she wore and a few other things. Even though the toe on the casting has fallen off. They also have grief therapy, which I have yet to attend, and they had a walk this fall. It was called A WALK TO REMEMBER: walking for the steps that our babies will never take. It was so beautiful. In April a few months after Kamryn's birth I decided to open up the box that the hospital had gave us and look at her little outfit. Bad choice. When I opened it I found the little outfit had mold on it. I freaked out!! I tried to wash it off myself and because the fabric was so thin I accidently ripped it. Then I really freaked out and called J. He was at work that night and couldn't leave. So he called our friend A who lives almost 15 minutes away and at midnight she was there to help me. We did rip it a little more, but I think it was better to be ripped than to have mold on it. A has been there for me and I really don't know what I would have done without her a few times. When I ended up at Kamryn's grave at 11 pm and she called and asked me where I was. I told her and once again there she was. She never had to be asked. Some days I don't know how I'll make it, but then some days I watch things on TV and I thank God that she doesn't have to endure all of the pain that we do here.

Part 2

February 14 we had our appt at Barnes. I had been reading up on all the things that they could do for lack of amniotic fluid and was feeling good. They called us back, and started the ultrasound. The baby came up on the screen. After a few minutes he said "I know this isn't what you came here to hear but the baby doesn't have a heartbeat". My stomach dropped. I was completely flabbergasted! That was the last thing I expected to hear them say. They scheduled our delivery the next day. We got to the hospital at 6 am and the day began. My sister came and sat with me all day. Which was a little weird because she's my step-sister and we've never really been close, but I was so glad to have her there that day. She took care of me and anything I needed. We did puzzles and talked and I don't remember crying. Once they gave me my epidural I remember lightening up a little and not being so stressed. The nurse came in at 11:20 to check me and said "the baby is here, born 11:19 pm" and I started to cry. Everything went so fast. At about 1 am they finally brought Kamryn Olivia to see us. We had never found out the sex of the baby but we had a feeling it was a girl, which we both wanted. Holding her was so hard. I cried more than I can ever remember. I have no pictures of her, which I really regret. I wish someone would have taken some despite what I had said just in case I changed my mind. The next day was harder than I imagined. We had her baptized and I don't remember anything she said. I just remember crying and holding her and telling her that she was in a better place. Leaving the hospital was an unbelievable pain. I didn't want to leave her. How could I? The worse was yet to come.

My Story Part 1

We found out that we were pregnant Halloween 2006. I had severe morning (all day) sickness and lost 40 lbs in 4 months. I had to go into the hospital basically every week to be rehydrated. Yeah talk about a horrible couple of months. February 5 was the day we were supposed to find out the sex of the baby. So we went in and they said that they couldn't tell but I could come back later that week and maybe the baby would be in a different position. So they went to make the little video and came back and told me that I needed to make an appointment with my OB. I called as I was walking out to make the appointment. When I made the appointment I asked is anything wrong? They told me no. The next day the secretary called me and asked me if I could come in that day. I told her no but that if it was an emergency I could. She said "NO, No emergency". The next day I went in and sitting on the table it was the most nervous I've ever been in my entire life!! When he walked in all he said was " I really don't think this pregnancy is going to turn out well, you've been leaking amniotic fluid and there's only about a tablespoon left." What? He made us an appointment with a Perinatologist for that afternoon. When we got there and we started the ultrasound he started saying that the baby's heartbeat was abnormal, that it was underdeveloped and that there was no bladder. How could all of this come about so fast and completely out of left field? At all the appointments till then the baby's heartbeat had been fine. Of course I wasn't about to take one persons advice. We made an appointment at Barnes Jewish Hospital in St. Louis for Valentine's Day.

Life without her

How do I go on without her? She's supposed to be 5 months old now and getting ready for her first Christmas. Yet now she's in Heaven. No one talks about her or what happened and they think that I should be over it as well. They have no idea the pain I feel. How dare them say that I should just get over it. They didn't carry her for 5 months. They didn't have to hold her and then let her go. They didn't have to bury their daughter. Until then they have no room to tell me what I should or shouldn't feel. Or for how long I should feel that. They don't have the guilt that I have. Its my fault that she's gone. When everyone (doctors and nurses) told me everything was fine I actually believed them!! As the holidays get closer the more I feel like I'm losing my mind. Everyone is having babies and I love that but I don't know how much more of it I can handle right now. I'm tired of everyone telling me how much they hate being pregnant or how much their baby is crying. I would love to be pregnant or even be able to hear my baby cry. It's been 10 months and 2 days and things aren't getting any easier. When do they actually get better? Will it be a year? 2 years? Or even 3?