SHARE is an organization that we were introduced to at SE Hospital when Kamryn died. They are absolutely amazing as I have said many times before. They made castings of her feet and gave us a little box with the seashell she was bapitzed with and certificate of baptism along with a little ruler that she was measured with and so forth. They send newsletters once every two months of stories and ideas on how to remember your baby. SHARE also has events in St. Louis such as Angel Ball, Share Walk, Light of Hope ceremony and many others. SE Hospital along with many other local businesses put on a smaller version of the walk down here. They have a dove and balloon release, a speaker, and then you walk around the lake at Cape Memorial (about a mile long). Its such a relief to go to this (we went last year) and see that your not the only one that is going through this here in the area. Last year when I left I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Thats why I'm getting a group of my friends to go this year. Since my mother told me sorry couldn't get off work. I've been telling her about it for a year and she just started trying last week. Anyways we want to make shirts for the walk. Pink shirt brown lettering and something that has Kamryn Olivia and 2-15-07 on it. Now I just need a design. Any ideas?
I sound like a broken record. I'm here once again and I'm pissed. I'm pissed because life itself is not fair. Josh's friend Ashley (remember the one who just had the baby in April?) is pregnant again! This is not fair. Why does this keep happening? Every time I'm up going on. Moving on. Things just crash right back down around me. I'm pissed when I see a young girl thats pregnant. Hell I'm pissed when I see anyone thats pregnant. Okay Kase I thought this was a thing of the past. DAMN IT! When I see a little girl about the age Kamryn should be I get teary eyed and have to excuse myself. This fucking sucks. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like this. I've been doing so well and suddenly it creeps up on me and down I go. I pulled all of the things of Kamryn's things out tonight (minus the pictures the hospital promised me but never found) and sat on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I haven't done that since February and you know what it felt good to cry because I always hold it in. I plaster this smile on my face and act like things are absolutely amazing. Well guess what? Things are not AMAZING, you would never know how torn I was if you saw me walking down the street. I miss her. I blame myself. Here's just a few of the things that I'm sick to death of hearing: 1) You're young you can have another baby 2) Everything happens for a reason 3) Maybe this is just to prove that you and Josh don't belong together 4) Its life it happens move on (no babies don't die everyday) 5) You didn't really need a baby anyways 6) Miscarriages happen every day (too bad Kamryn was stillborn and not just a miscarriage -its not like the pain would be any less though) 7) You have to let it go (haha thats fuckin hilarious)
I've also cut a certain person out of my life in the last month. My wonderful SS (step-sister). She has never really been there for me .... um EVER. So it really surprised me when on February 15th she showed up bright and early at the hospital to sit with me all day. When I say all day I mean from 5:30 am till about 9:30 pm. She bought me a little pillow and a little stuffed dog that we named Roxie and we sat and watched TV. No words were ever spoken between the two of us besides the "Can I get you anything?" After Kamryn's funeral when everyone went home she called Josh and I and asked us to come to dinner (shocking once again). Sometime that week her tires were slashed and she had a good idea of who did it. She posted a blog. It said and I quote " How could you do this to me when my family and I are going through the worst possible tragedy you could imagine?" Your family and you? I'm sorry was she (or anyone else for that matter ) the one to birth a dead baby? Hold her and then bury her? Didn't really think so. After that I did not talk to her. She never called to see how I was doing, how life in general was going, to say Happy Birthday or say that she was thinking about me and Kamryn on the 1 year. Apparently now however I am the bad sister. Oh well. I've learned that some people expect the world from you however they don't want to do or give anything in return. No I'm not dealing with that anymore. If you are my friend or family I give 110% to you. Especially if I know you are staring something absolutely horrible in the face. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend that I am. At least I can admit it though.
(This is going to be a little bit of rambling and) I know I've said this time and time again, but it's not. Why is it that teenage girls have babies just because they think it would be fun and people that want them can't? Or they use no safety precautions and are on their second or third one at the wonderful age of 20. Why do the people that don't want children, don't want to take care of them, or only want them because of the money have several children? UGH I'm just so pissed off at the world. Alex, Tiffany and I had scrapbooking night tonight which was very much needed by all three of us. On the way home Alex and I start talking about how we're not exactly where we thought we'd be at in this stage of the game. Then I started talking about how a certain friend of ours is so amazing and how less than an hour after Kamryn was born he was there in our room with us (he was the only friend of ours that saw her) and held us both and cried with us. This started the conversation above. I just don't get it. I don't get why things work the way they do. I personally hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason". My response is always " then please tell me what the hell the reason is!" The night I came home from the hospital I had this horrible dream. Its the middle of the night and the phone rings. Its the hospital. They say that Kamryn is in the morgue and she's not dead and she's crying and I need to come get her. At this point I wake up completely out of breath and sweating. I've had this dream every night for the last two weeks. She would've been a year old last weekend. What does this mean? I thought by now I'd finally be coming to terms with everything, but in all actuality this year is so much harder than last.
I want my baby. Thats all I have to say. Danni had Addalyn Kate on July 2 and she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. When I saw her for the first time all I could think of was " wow Kamryn should have looked like this" or " Kamryn's nose looked like that" or even just how lucky Danni is to have that beautiful little girl and she doesn't even realize it. She broke every rule of pregnancy there is and yet her baby turned our PERFECT. How is that even possible? Dana had her daughter Hana (Hanna but spelt different) on July 8 and oh my god as soon as I saw her I thought " Kamryn's little mouth was in a pout like that". Its tearing me down. I'm so incredibly jealous of all both of my friends have and I so desperately want to be happy for them but find myself yearning to hold my own little girl in a pink frilly dress. I try to blame my bad mood on other things. Bad day at work, problems with mother dearest, missing TJ, fighting with dad, but it all breaks down to the one thing: I miss her, I want her back and I have no idea how to deal with it. Especially since no one wants to talk about it and when I do they get quiet and say nothing. Basically kind of insinuate that maybe I might need some psychiatric help. Then reading C's blog I'm left wondering: I had a miscarriage and then a stillbirth (not nearly as many as her 7 losses, which I am so truly sorry for). Am I ever going to be able to hold an alive baby of my own in my arms. Or am I just headed for disaster again and again. I hate thinking like that but damn it thats what this place gets you. Every time you get a little hope for the future you slide right back down to where you were before. A year and a half later and this is the hell hole I'm stuck in. Its looking like I'll never get out.
I don't even know what to say. I just had the urge to blog and bitch about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like my life has come to a complete standstill. I have nothing really to look forward to.I left my job at SE and went back to my old job because it was closer to home. I'm really missing the girls I used to work with and find myself thrown back into something new and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm focusing strictly on work and thats pretty much it. My wonderful mother and I have been fighting about everything under the sun and it just keeps getting worse! And to top everything off I'm missing Kamryn so much lately its sickening to think about. I've been playing the last two years over and over in my head and I just keep thinking " What happened? When did things start to go wrong? What could I have done to prevent this?" I would never wish be a DBM on anyone!!! How long is this feeling going to last? I told L the other day that eventually it will get easier but it will never completely go away. Why can't I take my own advice? I was reading another blog and it's been 4 years since she lost her son and she still has some of the anger/pain that would of had when it first happened. I don't want to be like that! I want to feel happiness that she doesn't have to go through this but I just keep seeing all of my friends having babies and thinking I WANT MY BABY!!!! ITS NOT FAIR! Why, Why, WHY?!?! Why me? Why any of us? Babies aren't supposed to die! They're not supposed to be buried in some cemetary on the edge of town all by themselves with no one to tuck them in at night. How can I be doing so well and then things blow up in my face when I least expect them. THIS SUCKS! As time goes by I'm slowly forgetting Kamryn's face and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to forget it, but since that wonderful mother of mine told them that we didn't want pictures (she basically said why would I want to remember something like that when she wasn't fully formed. Um maybe because she was MY DAUGHTER!! FUCKIN BITCH) so memory is all I have. She had the cutest little nose and an adorable little puckered mouth. How long till I completely forget it though?
So much has happened since I last posted and I don't exactly know where to start and how to get it all out so forgive me if I ramble on. Michele's sister L had her son, Declan born March 19, 2008 at 25 weeks and 5 days (check out his website at www.caringbridge.org/visit/miraclebaby3) and he passed away May 23, 2008 at 65 days old. I want so bad to e-mail, or write, or send a card but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what to say. I can't even utter the words to L that I desperately wanted to hear last year when we lost Kamryn. Maybe they would make her feel a little relief. Give her a little hope. Or maybe it would make her feel worse ( I honestly don't know how much worse it could get). Two completely different situations yet something so completely the same. We both lost babies that we so desperately wanted. How do you make the pain any easier? I was talking to my mom today and I told her "I finally understand why no one said anything to me when I lost Kamryn. No one knew what to say. They were scared of what I would say or how I would react. No one knows what to say if they've never lost a child. As for me I've been through all the emotions anger, shock, grief, guilt and still can't say anything." I just feel so horrible. I think about her every day. How is she doing? I hope she's not making any irrational decisions such as I did. How are her other 2 sons and her husband taking this? I worry about them but I more worry about L. I only held Kamryn for probably a total of 2 hours. L got to hold Declan and love him (I'm not saying I don't love Kamryn because I do with all of my heart) and dress him and just be a mother to him for 65 days and then let him go. I don't know how her or any of you other deadbaby moms do it. It makes me sick just thinking about it.
My own mother is beside herself in a different state of grief this week. My baby brother (okay so he's 19, not really that young I know) TJ came home from Ft McCoy, WI this week for 4 days and will be shipped out to Iraq for 400 days next Monday. Everything that has to do with the military that she see's makes her cry. I have to admit that it's had the same affect on me though. The other morning on my way to work I passed a military convoy. The tears came streaming down. I'm so worried about him. I know that he'll be okay but it's just not where I pictured him at this point in his life. Saturday night after I said my goodbyes to him and he left headed back to WI a friend of mine saw me crying and said "Kase if it wasn't for guys like your brother we wouldn't be able to do what we're doing right now. I'm grateful for them" Have I mentioned that when I'm down and I don't think i can get any worse my friends are always there with open arms waiting to pick me back up?
My friend Sam and I were driving by the cemetary where Kamryn is buried on the way to Emily's soccer game. She asked if we could stop by and visit a previous teachers grave on the way back by. Went to Emily's game, which I am so proud of her for taking that hit like a champ, and then stopped by the cemetary. Sam said lets go to Kamryn's grave first and then to Mrs. W. We walked up the hill to where Kamryn is buried. First thing I noticed is that her marker had been run over and bent to hell by apparently a lawn mower. I started to cry. Sam said "No worries Kase I got this" squatted down and bent in back into shape. Which only made me cry harder. We stood there for a minute and the memories of those last 5 months before she was laid there came flooding back. Its my fault. There had to be a sign. I had to know something was wrong, instead I ignored it all. We walk back down the hill to visit Mrs. W's grave. As we're walking down the hill I'm still crying she reaches over and grabs my hand and won't let go. Tears continue to fall. At Mrs. W's grave Sam takes one look and says "It wasn't her time to go". I know she meant nothing by it at all but all I could think of was : and you think it was Kamryn's??? At the corner across from Mrs. W's grave is where all the babies are buried (with the exception of Kamryn who is buried at the bottom of my grandma's grave). Something makes me walk across to them. There are two graves with only the funeral home markers on them. From 2001. How could you not even acknowledge your babies grave? Maybe its not all about the things that you see. Maybe its how you remember it in your mind, but it really took me by surprise. I can't imagine not making Kamryn's stone or putting any flowers on her grave. After crying and looking at how long each baby lived for we turned and walked away. Still holding hands. Sam turned and looked down over the field behind the cemetary and said "I can picture Kamryn and all the other babies playing over there. Wait, no, we're talking about your kid she'd be over there playing in the mud and then wanting you to hold her" I couldn't help but laugh. I may get mad at her and not agree with everything that she does but when it comes down to it in the last 9 years she's been there when it really mattered. I am so glad that I at least have one friend like her.
I had a miscarriage with my first pregnancy and then when we found out we were pregnant again and things were starting to look up my world came crashing down around me when I lost my daughter Kamryn Olivia at just 20 wks (ga). I'm just trying to find which way is up