I don't even know what to say. I just had the urge to blog and bitch about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like my life has come to a complete standstill. I have nothing really to look forward to.I left my job at SE and went back to my old job because it was closer to home. I'm really missing the girls I used to work with and find myself thrown back into something new and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm focusing strictly on work and thats pretty much it. My wonderful mother and I have been fighting about everything under the sun and it just keeps getting worse! And to top everything off I'm missing Kamryn so much lately its sickening to think about.
I've been playing the last two years over and over in my head and I just keep thinking " What happened? When did things start to go wrong? What could I have done to prevent this?" I would never wish be a DBM on anyone!!! How long is this feeling going to last? I told L the other day that eventually it will get easier but it will never completely go away. Why can't I take my own advice? I was reading another blog and it's been 4 years since she lost her son and she still has some of the anger/pain that would of had when it first happened. I don't want to be like that! I want to feel happiness that she doesn't have to go through this but I just keep seeing all of my friends having babies and thinking I WANT MY BABY!!!! ITS NOT FAIR! Why, Why, WHY?!?! Why me? Why any of us? Babies aren't supposed to die! They're not supposed to be buried in some cemetary on the edge of town all by themselves with no one to tuck them in at night. How can I be doing so well and then things blow up in my face when I least expect them. THIS SUCKS! As time goes by I'm slowly forgetting Kamryn's face and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to forget it, but since that wonderful mother of mine told them that we didn't want pictures (she basically said why would I want to remember something like that when she wasn't fully formed. Um maybe because she was MY DAUGHTER!! FUCKIN BITCH) so memory is all I have. She had the cutest little nose and an adorable little puckered mouth. How long till I completely forget it though?
AND THEN THERE WERE TWO
9 years ago
2 comments:
I'm sorry you are feeling so lost. I was thinking the other day, how is it that this all happened. Sometimes, I just can't beleive it either. I never held or saw my first baby and did regret it. My second baby i did hold and took lots of photos. So i've been on both sides. At least you held her. Felt her weight, absorbed her features. I'm so sorry you have no photos. But the feelings of that day you won't forget.
You know what i think of? In one moment my life fell apart twice. I also beleive that in one moment it can all change again - for the better. I beleive in this for me...and for you.
I am so sorry for your loss. You sound alot like me. I often wonder when it gets easier. When does is stop consuming my life? I just don't know.
Holli
By the way, love the tat. I have one of my daughter's name on my foot too.
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