Nothing that I NEED

I've been thinking about this for well over a year. Josh and I had thought about it and said that if it happened then it happened. Thankfully it never did. However now I just really want a baby. I think about it all the time. I know I do not need one. That I have so much to do with my life before I have a child but once you get that far its hard to go back to nothing. As one of the other bloggers said : I feel like I've been pregnant for 18 months. I have nothing to show for being so damn sick and giving it my all.

Yeah it hurt...

but after the pain of the last year it was nothing. Yes I finally got the tattoo for Kamryn. It is a pair of footprints and then it has her name written underneath it. I absolutely love it. I'll get a picture up here soon.

Wishing to overcome

I don't really understand how my emotions can be a such a high and then bottom out so quickly. This week has been the best that I've probably had in MONTHS. I spent the morning inside the Conservation Departments Nature Center at Memorial Park with Megan and Emily and had pretty much amazing day. No fighting, no bickering, no talking back. Like I said an amazing morning. Had lunch with my mom, came home, logged on and checked to see how the other deadbaby moms (c, charmedgirl, rosalind) are doing. Then goes my mind wandering off as I read the blogs.
I'll never read Kamryn bed time stories, kiss her goodnight, hear her say "I love you mommy" , take her to the park, help her pick out her dress for prom, or see her on her wedding day. All of the things that you instantly start thinking about the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Things that I hadn't really thought about. I just knew that I didn't have Kamryn and it sucked. Still does.
I hate feeling anger, hatred, and jealousy towards my friends that are pregnant. Yet I do and think horrible things. Not exactly wanting anything bad to happen to them just wanting them to know how it feels to lose a child. My friend DL is due July 5 (Kamryn's due date) she still smokes and drinks nothing but caffeine! She said the other day that she loves Kamryn's name and was thinking about calling her daughter Cameron and calling her Cammi. Excuse me what? Everytime we are together she talks non-stop about being pregnant and wants to know everything about how I lost Kamryn. Honestly I can only handle so much of this. I want to scream : I do not want to hear about your baby and how you can feel her kick at all hours or being pregnant ANYMORE! That however would make me a bad friend. I want (not need) a baby. All of my friends have had babies, since I moved to Jackson in 2006. That is 7 women. In our group that leaves me to be the only one without a child. When we get together thats all that is talked about. Wow how our topics of conversation has changed.
I saw a card the other day and it said " Some people say it gets easier with time. Well I'd really like to know when that time will come" I could not agree more. I don't want to feel this anger and grief anymore. It's been a year. I am well aware that I will never forget her. I just want to forget the pain.