Kamryn's funeral

Kamryn's funeral was February 21st. For February it was absolutely gorgeous outside. We wore capri's and sandals. She is buried by her great grandma Joyce and great great grandma Petzoldt in a cemetery where the view is absolutly gorgeous. One day I actually took a picture of the sunset from where she is. My family was all really worried about me. I didnt want to go out and do anything, let alone leave my bed. Wal-Mart was absolute hell. I'd see a baby and turn and go the other way. I decided okay maybe its time to try and talk to someone. I went to this lady and we talked for awhile. It was going pretty good until she said to me " Kasey, babies die. It's life it happens." I was like what the hell are you talking about? Babies don't just die. Yeah 80 yr old people die but not babies. I almost got up and left right then and there. Then she said something that I could understand " Maybe God was saving her from something more horrific down the line." Finally something that I could think of as positive. Her autopsy came back during the week that J was on a business trip. Big mistake to open it before he got home. Everything that they said wasn't there or was underdeveloped they said and I quote "unremarkable". What the hell? How is that? Of all the times I was in the hospital no one ever checked the amniotic fluid. I asked about it and no one ever checked!
I thank God for a program that our hospital here has. It's called SHARE and this program is located throughout the country. They made little castings of her feet, which is by far my most prized possession, and gave us a little box with the tape that they measured her and the little outfit that she wore and a few other things. Even though the toe on the casting has fallen off. They also have grief therapy, which I have yet to attend, and they had a walk this fall. It was called A WALK TO REMEMBER: walking for the steps that our babies will never take. It was so beautiful. In April a few months after Kamryn's birth I decided to open up the box that the hospital had gave us and look at her little outfit. Bad choice. When I opened it I found the little outfit had mold on it. I freaked out!! I tried to wash it off myself and because the fabric was so thin I accidently ripped it. Then I really freaked out and called J. He was at work that night and couldn't leave. So he called our friend A who lives almost 15 minutes away and at midnight she was there to help me. We did rip it a little more, but I think it was better to be ripped than to have mold on it. A has been there for me and I really don't know what I would have done without her a few times. When I ended up at Kamryn's grave at 11 pm and she called and asked me where I was. I told her and once again there she was. She never had to be asked. Some days I don't know how I'll make it, but then some days I watch things on TV and I thank God that she doesn't have to endure all of the pain that we do here.