Just not fair

(This is going to be a little bit of rambling and) I know I've said this time and time again, but it's not. Why is it that teenage girls have babies just because they think it would be fun and people that want them can't? Or they use no safety precautions and are on their second or third one at the wonderful age of 20. Why do the people that don't want children, don't want to take care of them, or only want them because of the money have several children? UGH I'm just so pissed off at the world.
Alex, Tiffany and I had scrapbooking night tonight which was very much needed by all three of us. On the way home Alex and I start talking about how we're not exactly where we thought we'd be at in this stage of the game. Then I started talking about how a certain friend of ours is so amazing and how less than an hour after Kamryn was born he was there in our room with us (he was the only friend of ours that saw her) and held us both and cried with us. This started the conversation above. I just don't get it. I don't get why things work the way they do. I personally hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason". My response is always " then please tell me what the hell the reason is!"
The night I came home from the hospital I had this horrible dream. Its the middle of the night and the phone rings. Its the hospital. They say that Kamryn is in the morgue and she's not dead and she's crying and I need to come get her. At this point I wake up completely out of breath and sweating. I've had this dream every night for the last two weeks. She would've been a year old last weekend. What does this mean? I thought by now I'd finally be coming to terms with everything, but in all actuality this year is so much harder than last.

Plain and simple

I want my baby. Thats all I have to say. Danni had Addalyn Kate on July 2 and she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. When I saw her for the first time all I could think of was " wow Kamryn should have looked like this" or " Kamryn's nose looked like that" or even just how lucky Danni is to have that beautiful little girl and she doesn't even realize it. She broke every rule of pregnancy there is and yet her baby turned our PERFECT. How is that even possible?
Dana had her daughter Hana (Hanna but spelt different) on July 8 and oh my god as soon as I saw her I thought " Kamryn's little mouth was in a pout like that".
Its tearing me down. I'm so incredibly jealous of all both of my friends have and I so desperately want to be happy for them but find myself yearning to hold my own little girl in a pink frilly dress.
I try to blame my bad mood on other things. Bad day at work, problems with mother dearest, missing TJ, fighting with dad, but it all breaks down to the one thing: I miss her, I want her back and I have no idea how to deal with it. Especially since no one wants to talk about it and when I do they get quiet and say nothing. Basically kind of insinuate that maybe I might need some psychiatric help.
Then reading C's blog I'm left wondering: I had a miscarriage and then a stillbirth (not nearly as many as her 7 losses, which I am so truly sorry for). Am I ever going to be able to hold an alive baby of my own in my arms. Or am I just headed for disaster again and again. I hate thinking like that but damn it thats what this place gets you. Every time you get a little hope for the future you slide right back down to where you were before. A year and a half later and this is the hell hole I'm stuck in. Its looking like I'll never get out.