Plain and simple

I want my baby. Thats all I have to say. Danni had Addalyn Kate on July 2 and she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. When I saw her for the first time all I could think of was " wow Kamryn should have looked like this" or " Kamryn's nose looked like that" or even just how lucky Danni is to have that beautiful little girl and she doesn't even realize it. She broke every rule of pregnancy there is and yet her baby turned our PERFECT. How is that even possible?
Dana had her daughter Hana (Hanna but spelt different) on July 8 and oh my god as soon as I saw her I thought " Kamryn's little mouth was in a pout like that".
Its tearing me down. I'm so incredibly jealous of all both of my friends have and I so desperately want to be happy for them but find myself yearning to hold my own little girl in a pink frilly dress.
I try to blame my bad mood on other things. Bad day at work, problems with mother dearest, missing TJ, fighting with dad, but it all breaks down to the one thing: I miss her, I want her back and I have no idea how to deal with it. Especially since no one wants to talk about it and when I do they get quiet and say nothing. Basically kind of insinuate that maybe I might need some psychiatric help.
Then reading C's blog I'm left wondering: I had a miscarriage and then a stillbirth (not nearly as many as her 7 losses, which I am so truly sorry for). Am I ever going to be able to hold an alive baby of my own in my arms. Or am I just headed for disaster again and again. I hate thinking like that but damn it thats what this place gets you. Every time you get a little hope for the future you slide right back down to where you were before. A year and a half later and this is the hell hole I'm stuck in. Its looking like I'll never get out.