Back again

I sound like a broken record. I'm here once again and I'm pissed. I'm pissed because life itself is not fair. Josh's friend Ashley (remember the one who just had the baby in April?) is pregnant again! This is not fair. Why does this keep happening? Every time I'm up going on. Moving on. Things just crash right back down around me. I'm pissed when I see a young girl thats pregnant. Hell I'm pissed when I see anyone thats pregnant. Okay Kase I thought this was a thing of the past. DAMN IT! When I see a little girl about the age Kamryn should be I get teary eyed and have to excuse myself. This fucking sucks. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like this. I've been doing so well and suddenly it creeps up on me and down I go. I pulled all of the things of Kamryn's things out tonight (minus the pictures the hospital promised me but never found) and sat on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I haven't done that since February and you know what it felt good to cry because I always hold it in. I plaster this smile on my face and act like things are absolutely amazing. Well guess what? Things are not AMAZING, you would never know how torn I was if you saw me walking down the street. I miss her. I blame myself.
Here's just a few of the things that I'm sick to death of hearing:
1) You're young you can have another baby
2) Everything happens for a reason
3) Maybe this is just to prove that you and Josh don't belong together
4) Its life it happens move on (no babies don't die everyday)
5) You didn't really need a baby anyways
6) Miscarriages happen every day (too bad Kamryn was stillborn and not just a miscarriage -its not like the pain would be any less though)
7) You have to let it go (haha thats fuckin hilarious)

I've also cut a certain person out of my life in the last month. My wonderful SS (step-sister). She has never really been there for me .... um EVER. So it really surprised me when on February 15th she showed up bright and early at the hospital to sit with me all day. When I say all day I mean from 5:30 am till about 9:30 pm. She bought me a little pillow and a little stuffed dog that we named Roxie and we sat and watched TV. No words were ever spoken between the two of us besides the "Can I get you anything?" After Kamryn's funeral when everyone went home she called Josh and I and asked us to come to dinner (shocking once again). Sometime that week her tires were slashed and she had a good idea of who did it. She posted a blog. It said and I quote " How could you do this to me when my family and I are going through the worst possible tragedy you could imagine?" Your family and you? I'm sorry was she (or anyone else for that matter ) the one to birth a dead baby? Hold her and then bury her? Didn't really think so. After that I did not talk to her. She never called to see how I was doing, how life in general was going, to say Happy Birthday or say that she was thinking about me and Kamryn on the 1 year. Apparently now however I am the bad sister. Oh well. I've learned that some people expect the world from you however they don't want to do or give anything in return. No I'm not dealing with that anymore. If you are my friend or family I give 110% to you. Especially if I know you are staring something absolutely horrible in the face. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend that I am. At least I can admit it though.