Why, why, why?

I've asked you all and myself this question so many times that I should know the answer. I read these blogs from the other moms in deadbabyland and I feel more and more like shit. The reason for my post tonight is that I read a post from beautiful curve and it said that she had no amniotic fluid and her husband had talked about the baby suffocating in the womb. I had never thought about it like that. AT ALL! I had a tablespoon of amniotic fluid when they did the ultrasound to tell me that "this pregnancy is simply not going to end well." It was a week after that before she died. Did she suffer? Was she suffocating? I have this horrible image in my head that won't go away. Maybe till after the 15th it would just be a good idea for me to stay away from deadbabyland. No offense to anyone but I just don't know if I can handle it.

A little confused

So I talked to an old friend of mine (she's actually a friend of Josh's) who happens to be 7 months pregnant and likes to talk about it non freakin stop. Her and Josh have had many talks about how I'm crazy and that I need help and bla bla bla.
She sent me an e-mail saying that she wishes the old Kasey could come back. That the old Kasey never accepted defeat, wasn't afraid to stumble and fall, would admit when she needed help and wouldn't be too proud to say that the death of my little girl had changed my life. That she wishes that I acted differently.
Unfortunately the old Kasey can't come back. I don't accept defeat. I still stumble and fall but I have learned that it doesn't help to stay down you have to get right back up and keep on. I don't need help I've seen therapists and taken medicine, but what exactly does that help? I have found that it doesn't. The biggest of all: I'm not too proud to admit that losing Kamryn has completely flipped my world upside down and it will never be the same again. As far as acting differently how exactly is it that I'm supposed to act? I asked her " Can you honestly say that you would be able to cope better than I have the last year if you lost Connor (the name for her baby)?" Her answer. Oh wait thats right I didn't get an answer.
So as a mom here in deadbabyland I ask you all: How exactly are we to act after we've lost a baby?
I actually think I'm doing pretty well.

Snow falling down.... along with my mood

So I am officially completely moved into and settled into my house. Aside from the constant parade of 19 year old boys through the house it's really good. I'm sleeping good, saw a couple of old friends, and lost a few pounds. I have been in th crappiest mood though lately. This last week has been horrible. I have been sick with Influenza A for a over a week. So contagious that I didn't go to work at the hospital for 3 days and that I can't even go back to Emily's till next Monday!! I miss them so much!! Not only have I been sick but I have been in a depression. I've cried myself to sleep 3 out of 5 nights thinking about Kamryn. It just sucks and then I pull out the stuff that I have from the hospital thinking that it would make me feel better. Boy was I ever wrong. It made it 15 times worse. Also putting me in this depression was the death of my neighbor from the apartment, Alvis. The day I moved out she was taken to the hospital and she died Monday. Josh and I actually got together and went to her funeral. She was buried in Leopold, which is where Josh's family is originally from. As morbid as it may sound we walked around the cemetary and looked at all the headstones and found the kids. I was so shocked by all the dead babies with his last name out there. Maybe its something that runs in his family. I couldn't help but wonder that as we walked through. That is the first time that we talked since I left there. I happened to learn a lot more heartwrenching things about my relationship right before I moved my things. As much as I knew it was failing I never would have thought that they could be that horrible. Kamryn's 1 year is quickly approaching and I have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know if I should celebrate the day or mourn the day. Anyone have any ideas? Let me know. Snow is falling down so hard tonight that school has been closed for everyone tomorrow. So much that as much work as I've missed the last week I am seriously considering calling in and hanging out with my new friend Jordan. Snow and winter just make me depressed. Then you throw in the month of February and it just throws everything off. Oh I forgot to mention that one of the teenage girls I used to work with found out she was pregnant on Halloween this last year (the same day I did) is having a girl and has an ultrasound on February 5th ( the same day we found out something was wrong) and is due July 1st instead of July 2nd (like me). As much as I want to be happy it's just really hard. Okay enough from me. Hope everyone enjoys the weather.

My new home

I love being home. This is what it really is. It is the place where I spent the 6 years before I moved out on my own. Yeah it sucks that I had to move home, but it's temporary. At least to get me through college. I'm painting walls and moving in this weekend. Thankfully it's big enough that I can basically have my own apartment (bedroom, kitchen, living room, bathroom, and laundry room). After the last year it's good to have something to look forward to like this. It's a chance to reconnect with my old friends and hang out with my mom. Who is really like my best friend anymore. I need this stability right now with the anniversary of Kamryn's death less than a month away. I hope I deal with it well. Wish me luck. I think that this year I am going to volunteer to help plan the SHARE walk this year. It is an absolutely amazing experience.The program has helped me so much in the last year. They send newsletters, plan events, and how to survive the holidays ideas. I'm so glad that something like this was available to us. It's the least I can do to raise money for them. Okay so now I'm babbling.

As if it wasn't enough...

As if it wasn't enough with everything else going on my little brother called me. He's 19 and he joined the Army Reserves back in May thinking that it would be good for him to get out of our hometown for awhile, not to mention they pay for your schooling. He loved basic training. He actually said he wished he could go back. I know sounds crazy. Anyways when he called me last night and I answered he got straight to the point " Kasey I leave February 1st" I was like oh yeah for what? He said that when he leaves in February they will do 30 days at Fort Leanardwood and 30 days in Wisconsin, then to Iraq. WTF? I guess it might be a little different if we had actually seen him at all since he's been home but he' s been too busy with all of his friends. I guess I shouldn't have told Scott yesterday that my week couldn't get much worse because there it is. My uncle Tom however is home from Iraq this weekend and I'm going to see him tonight. He drives jet fuel between the bases. Ugh this is too much this week.

Crash and burn

So this week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have only got 2 hours of sleep basically every night this week and those 2 hours are completley filled with nightmares. When I woke up this morning I just had this feeling that something was wrong. As I got to Michele's Josh called me and told me that his friend from highschool had died in a car accident and that his obituary was in the paper this morning. Looking at the obituaries is just something that I routinely do every morning. I knew half of them. There was Troy, Josh's friend, my first patient that I ever stuck up at the hospital, along with a 2 yr old that Michele knew. Twins that were stillborn, and another baby that died at birth. Why do I do that? I should know better. I held it together all morning, but as soon as I sat in the car here the tears came. They wouldn't stop and I don't really know what brought them on. On the way home I had the sudden urge to go to Kamryn's grave. So I passed our road and kept going. I haven't been out there since July. I guess maybe the reason that I don't go out there is because I still have so much guilt about everything and I have yet to get her a headstone. Today was a horrible day. When I got home from the cemetary I went straight to bed. It was such a horrible day that I had to call in to the hospital and tell them that I wasn't going to be in. A reason? That I'm having an emotional breakdown, instead I decide on just plain sick. I guess it's something in the air this week.

When it rains it freakin pours

Okay so for a minute I'm going to sound like a high schooler so if you don't want to hear it turn and run the other way now. So Josh's mom works midnights in my department at the hospital. One of the midnight girls just transfered to evenings. Apparently Josh's mom has been talking all kinds of trash about me to everyone on her shift ( and I later learned to their entire family!) I have only told one person at the hospital about Kamryn and I didn't figure it was anyone else's business to know. She told the entire lab! She also preceded to tell them about the miscarriage in May 2006, how I got pregnant on purpose, how I was cheating on Josh and how when I worked with Josh's friend at a local convenience store (which just so happened to be located on the southside of Cape Giradeau by the river, you all know which one I'm talking about) I made myself up and ate up the attention that the male customers gave me, how I talked myself up to the entire family, and this is the greatest one of all: how I was the reason behind their family problems. Okay so Josh's younger brother and I don't get along how does that affect the rest of the family? Josh's mom then told me that yeah she told the whole family (one day when it came up in general conversation, yeah right) about me cheating and how I acted at work. She turned around and denied it all to Josh! What in the hell?!?! I can not handle this any longer. I am so tired of the way his family treats me like they are so much better than me. I told him that I would move out Sunday. Not good enough once again. Tomorrow is moving day, apparently ready or not. So on top of everything I've been dealing with lately I also get this. Why can't my life ever be simple one day? Sorry for the ranting and raving about this it just has me really upset.