Crash and burn

So this week I have been on an emotional roller coaster. I have only got 2 hours of sleep basically every night this week and those 2 hours are completley filled with nightmares. When I woke up this morning I just had this feeling that something was wrong. As I got to Michele's Josh called me and told me that his friend from highschool had died in a car accident and that his obituary was in the paper this morning. Looking at the obituaries is just something that I routinely do every morning. I knew half of them. There was Troy, Josh's friend, my first patient that I ever stuck up at the hospital, along with a 2 yr old that Michele knew. Twins that were stillborn, and another baby that died at birth. Why do I do that? I should know better. I held it together all morning, but as soon as I sat in the car here the tears came. They wouldn't stop and I don't really know what brought them on. On the way home I had the sudden urge to go to Kamryn's grave. So I passed our road and kept going. I haven't been out there since July. I guess maybe the reason that I don't go out there is because I still have so much guilt about everything and I have yet to get her a headstone. Today was a horrible day. When I got home from the cemetary I went straight to bed. It was such a horrible day that I had to call in to the hospital and tell them that I wasn't going to be in. A reason? That I'm having an emotional breakdown, instead I decide on just plain sick. I guess it's something in the air this week.