Shut down by my own family.... once again

Its amazing how well I've actually been doing with everything. Including my little brother leaving for Iraq. However like I told Michele it's been going so well in fact that I actually have been waiting for something bad to happen.
Mom and I were at the hospital this afternoon seeing a friend of hers when we walked through the lobby at Southeast and she saw a bulletin board that is to support the troops. I said hey let me show you that brick that Josh's church bought for Kamryn in the memory garden. So I showed it to her and started talking about how I really want to get involved with SHARE. Not only down here but also with the chapter out of St. Louis and that I wanted to go to the walk both in Cape Girardeau and in St. Louis this year. She goes " yeah but we're going to be really busy with Support the Troops." All I could get out was "well yeah but this is really important to me too."
Why can't they just say something a little supportive to make it seem like she was real? Like she was an actual part of the family for even a small period of time. No one in my family even called to check and see how I was doing on her 1 year. Remember what my step-mother said ( Its something that happens get over it). Ugh they just make me so angry.

Nothing that I NEED

I've been thinking about this for well over a year. Josh and I had thought about it and said that if it happened then it happened. Thankfully it never did. However now I just really want a baby. I think about it all the time. I know I do not need one. That I have so much to do with my life before I have a child but once you get that far its hard to go back to nothing. As one of the other bloggers said : I feel like I've been pregnant for 18 months. I have nothing to show for being so damn sick and giving it my all.

Yeah it hurt...

but after the pain of the last year it was nothing. Yes I finally got the tattoo for Kamryn. It is a pair of footprints and then it has her name written underneath it. I absolutely love it. I'll get a picture up here soon.

Wishing to overcome

I don't really understand how my emotions can be a such a high and then bottom out so quickly. This week has been the best that I've probably had in MONTHS. I spent the morning inside the Conservation Departments Nature Center at Memorial Park with Megan and Emily and had pretty much amazing day. No fighting, no bickering, no talking back. Like I said an amazing morning. Had lunch with my mom, came home, logged on and checked to see how the other deadbaby moms (c, charmedgirl, rosalind) are doing. Then goes my mind wandering off as I read the blogs.
I'll never read Kamryn bed time stories, kiss her goodnight, hear her say "I love you mommy" , take her to the park, help her pick out her dress for prom, or see her on her wedding day. All of the things that you instantly start thinking about the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Things that I hadn't really thought about. I just knew that I didn't have Kamryn and it sucked. Still does.
I hate feeling anger, hatred, and jealousy towards my friends that are pregnant. Yet I do and think horrible things. Not exactly wanting anything bad to happen to them just wanting them to know how it feels to lose a child. My friend DL is due July 5 (Kamryn's due date) she still smokes and drinks nothing but caffeine! She said the other day that she loves Kamryn's name and was thinking about calling her daughter Cameron and calling her Cammi. Excuse me what? Everytime we are together she talks non-stop about being pregnant and wants to know everything about how I lost Kamryn. Honestly I can only handle so much of this. I want to scream : I do not want to hear about your baby and how you can feel her kick at all hours or being pregnant ANYMORE! That however would make me a bad friend. I want (not need) a baby. All of my friends have had babies, since I moved to Jackson in 2006. That is 7 women. In our group that leaves me to be the only one without a child. When we get together thats all that is talked about. Wow how our topics of conversation has changed.
I saw a card the other day and it said " Some people say it gets easier with time. Well I'd really like to know when that time will come" I could not agree more. I don't want to feel this anger and grief anymore. It's been a year. I am well aware that I will never forget her. I just want to forget the pain.

In memory

Since everything didnt go as well as planned for Kamryn's 1 year I have been trying to think of something else to do for her. Michele came up with the idea to get a tattoo to celebrate the end of chemo and adios to cancer. What better way for me to remember Kamryn than something permanent. I dont know when we're going to do this but I am completely excited. I have no idea what to get. Maybe a cross with her name? Baby footprints? A cherub? Ladies I need some ideas.

Diarhea of the mouth

I just got off the phone with my step-mom to see if she wanted to go with me to the cemetary today. She said"why whats going on?" Okay I can grasp the fact that some people may not remember. I said well its been a year since Kamryn was born. She instantly changed the subject and said well how's everything else going? I told her that everything was usually fine until I spoke with Josh and she asked why. I told her how he keeps trying to use his grief against me. This is the part that gets good. She said "Kasey I really don't mean to sound cruel when I say this but miscarriages happen everyday and you have to let them go" At that very moment its probably a very good thing that I was sitting down. All I could do was gasp "I'm trying he's the one who always brings it up but I'm going to let you go". For one of the people that are supposed to care about me more than anything in the world to say that broke my heart into a million pieces! How did she not mean to sound cruel? It was not a miscarriage. It was a stillbirth. Two completely different things. Trust me I've had them both. Yeah miscarriages may happen every day but not to your own daughter! Or for that matter anyone in your own family. I'm not letting it go. I can't do that. She was mine nothing else to say about it.
On to another person that maybe should have thought before she spoke to me. This lady at work last night told me that I was a little on edge and asked what was going on. I told her that today was the 1 yr since we lost our baby girl. Her response: Just look at it this way it could be worse. You could be craving PMS food like J ( another girl that we work with). WHAT?!?! How does that even begin to compare to what I'm going through? I don't know how many more stupid people I can handle today.

1 year later

I still feel like I am a complete disaster. I go through so many emotions a day about her. I still can remember everything like it was yesterday. I still blame myself for everything. When does it get any better? I'm convinced that it doesn't. I asked SHARE about those pictures last Friday and they keep telling me that they'll let me know tomorrow. It has been a week. So when exactly is "tomorrow"?
My mother and me made a small stone for Kamryn's grave. Which we are going to put out there today. Since it's all that I can afford right now it'll have to work. It's cute and it has love put into it so I think I can handle it. I'll post pictures soon. Josh's family however has decided to boycot the event tomorrow, which completely pisses me off! How can they just forget and move on? It doesn't quite seem fair.
It seems like everyone has completely forgotten about Kamryn unless I bring it up. That is everyone but Michele. Michele, I believe, has kind of been like a therapy for me. We are both going through the hardest things that will we ever endure (hers is a little bit worse than mine) and she is always there. Always ready and waiting with open arms to talk about her. Which is such a relief sometimes when no one else wants to talk about her.
Michele, I appreciate all that you have done or said to help me get through and carry on. I honestly have no idea how I would have made it through the last few months without you! Thank you so much.
So tomorrow is the first day I have seen Josh in 4 weeks. He constantly tries to make me feel guilty about his missing Kamryn and like I said before I deal with it on my own so why can't he?
Wish me luck today mommy's. I'm going to need all the strength I can get.