WTF?!

I don't even know what to say. I just had the urge to blog and bitch about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like my life has come to a complete standstill. I have nothing really to look forward to.I left my job at SE and went back to my old job because it was closer to home. I'm really missing the girls I used to work with and find myself thrown back into something new and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm focusing strictly on work and thats pretty much it. My wonderful mother and I have been fighting about everything under the sun and it just keeps getting worse! And to top everything off I'm missing Kamryn so much lately its sickening to think about.
I've been playing the last two years over and over in my head and I just keep thinking " What happened? When did things start to go wrong? What could I have done to prevent this?" I would never wish be a DBM on anyone!!! How long is this feeling going to last? I told L the other day that eventually it will get easier but it will never completely go away. Why can't I take my own advice? I was reading another blog and it's been 4 years since she lost her son and she still has some of the anger/pain that would of had when it first happened. I don't want to be like that! I want to feel happiness that she doesn't have to go through this but I just keep seeing all of my friends having babies and thinking I WANT MY BABY!!!! ITS NOT FAIR! Why, Why, WHY?!?! Why me? Why any of us? Babies aren't supposed to die! They're not supposed to be buried in some cemetary on the edge of town all by themselves with no one to tuck them in at night. How can I be doing so well and then things blow up in my face when I least expect them. THIS SUCKS! As time goes by I'm slowly forgetting Kamryn's face and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to forget it, but since that wonderful mother of mine told them that we didn't want pictures (she basically said why would I want to remember something like that when she wasn't fully formed. Um maybe because she was MY DAUGHTER!! FUCKIN BITCH) so memory is all I have. She had the cutest little nose and an adorable little puckered mouth. How long till I completely forget it though?

Just rambling

So much has happened since I last posted and I don't exactly know where to start and how to get it all out so forgive me if I ramble on. Michele's sister L had her son, Declan born March 19, 2008 at 25 weeks and 5 days (check out his website at www.caringbridge.org/visit/miraclebaby3) and he passed away May 23, 2008 at 65 days old. I want so bad to e-mail, or write, or send a card but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what to say. I can't even utter the words to L that I desperately wanted to hear last year when we lost Kamryn. Maybe they would make her feel a little relief. Give her a little hope. Or maybe it would make her feel worse ( I honestly don't know how much worse it could get). Two completely different situations yet something so completely the same. We both lost babies that we so desperately wanted. How do you make the pain any easier?
I was talking to my mom today and I told her "I finally understand why no one said anything to me when I lost Kamryn. No one knew what to say. They were scared of what I would say or how I would react. No one knows what to say if they've never lost a child. As for me I've been through all the emotions anger, shock, grief, guilt and still can't say anything."
I just feel so horrible. I think about her every day. How is she doing? I hope she's not making any irrational decisions such as I did. How are her other 2 sons and her husband taking this? I worry about them but I more worry about L.
I only held Kamryn for probably a total of 2 hours. L got to hold Declan and love him (I'm not saying I don't love Kamryn because I do with all of my heart) and dress him and just be a mother to him for 65 days and then let him go. I don't know how her or any of you other deadbaby moms do it. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

My own mother is beside herself in a different state of grief this week. My baby brother (okay so he's 19, not really that young I know) TJ came home from Ft McCoy, WI this week for 4 days and will be shipped out to Iraq for 400 days next Monday. Everything that has to do with the military that she see's makes her cry. I have to admit that it's had the same affect on me though. The other morning on my way to work I passed a military convoy. The tears came streaming down. I'm so worried about him. I know that he'll be okay but it's just not where I pictured him at this point in his life. Saturday night after I said my goodbyes to him and he left headed back to WI a friend of mine saw me crying and said "Kase if it wasn't for guys like your brother we wouldn't be able to do what we're doing right now. I'm grateful for them" Have I mentioned that when I'm down and I don't think i can get any worse my friends are always there with open arms waiting to pick me back up?