Thanks

My friend Sam and I were driving by the cemetary where Kamryn is buried on the way to Emily's soccer game. She asked if we could stop by and visit a previous teachers grave on the way back by. Went to Emily's game, which I am so proud of her for taking that hit like a champ, and then stopped by the cemetary. Sam said lets go to Kamryn's grave first and then to Mrs. W. We walked up the hill to where Kamryn is buried. First thing I noticed is that her marker had been run over and bent to hell by apparently a lawn mower. I started to cry. Sam said "No worries Kase I got this" squatted down and bent in back into shape. Which only made me cry harder. We stood there for a minute and the memories of those last 5 months before she was laid there came flooding back. Its my fault. There had to be a sign. I had to know something was wrong, instead I ignored it all.
We walk back down the hill to visit Mrs. W's grave. As we're walking down the hill I'm still crying she reaches over and grabs my hand and won't let go. Tears continue to fall. At Mrs. W's grave Sam takes one look and says "It wasn't her time to go". I know she meant nothing by it at all but all I could think of was : and you think it was Kamryn's???
At the corner across from Mrs. W's grave is where all the babies are buried (with the exception of Kamryn who is buried at the bottom of my grandma's grave). Something makes me walk across to them. There are two graves with only the funeral home markers on them. From 2001. How could you not even acknowledge your babies grave? Maybe its not all about the things that you see. Maybe its how you remember it in your mind, but it really took me by surprise. I can't imagine not making Kamryn's stone or putting any flowers on her grave.
After crying and looking at how long each baby lived for we turned and walked away. Still holding hands.
Sam turned and looked down over the field behind the cemetary and said "I can picture Kamryn and all the other babies playing over there. Wait, no, we're talking about your kid she'd be over there playing in the mud and then wanting you to hold her" I couldn't help but laugh.
I may get mad at her and not agree with everything that she does but when it comes down to it in the last 9 years she's been there when it really mattered. I am so glad that I at least have one friend like her.

Shut down by my own family.... once again

Its amazing how well I've actually been doing with everything. Including my little brother leaving for Iraq. However like I told Michele it's been going so well in fact that I actually have been waiting for something bad to happen.
Mom and I were at the hospital this afternoon seeing a friend of hers when we walked through the lobby at Southeast and she saw a bulletin board that is to support the troops. I said hey let me show you that brick that Josh's church bought for Kamryn in the memory garden. So I showed it to her and started talking about how I really want to get involved with SHARE. Not only down here but also with the chapter out of St. Louis and that I wanted to go to the walk both in Cape Girardeau and in St. Louis this year. She goes " yeah but we're going to be really busy with Support the Troops." All I could get out was "well yeah but this is really important to me too."
Why can't they just say something a little supportive to make it seem like she was real? Like she was an actual part of the family for even a small period of time. No one in my family even called to check and see how I was doing on her 1 year. Remember what my step-mother said ( Its something that happens get over it). Ugh they just make me so angry.