Some people...

Some people are so completely oblivious to things that can go wrong during your pregnancy. Even when a doctor, hospital staff, and your friends tell you. Example: My friend M had a beautiful baby girl A in December 2006. When I lost Kamryn she wanted to know everything that happened and how she could help me. Even though at times she was very insensitive. She would tell me how horrible of a baby A was and all of these things as a mother we wish we could have to deal with. In September when I found out she was pregnant I about fell out of my chair! She got pregnant because and I quote " I miss my belly". WHAT?! You can't even afford the child you have now. I can't count the number of times I had to go and buy A baby food or formula. I loved that baby (and deep down I really love M) so much that I couldn't deprive her of anything. Friday night she called me at about 3 am and asked me (she has a fiance that lives with her) to go to the hospital with her because she was having cramps. I had my own little medical emergency that morning so I didn't quite comprehend what she was saying. I called her the next morning and she said that she was in preterm labor when she got there and they put her on bed rest. J called me that night at work and said that he saw her that evening at Wal-Mart. So I called her and was like why aren't you in bed? She said that there was nothing on tv and that she was bored! I said "M, do you have any idea what could happen if you don't follow doctors orders?" She said no. Working in a hospital I had already called to OB to ask and I told her that if she doesn't stay in bed that the placenta could erupt and the baby could die. All I got out of her was and "OH thats nice". In the last few days I've tried to go over to her house and help her as much as possible since they just moved into a new place. She won't sit still for more than 5 minutes at a time. She was supposed to make a doctors appt for Monday and still hasn't and yet she's going back to work in the morning!!! I know that what she does is none of my business but as a mother here in deadbabyland it wrenches my heart to know that she could join us here if she's not careful. J said that he thinks M might think that I'm just trying to scare her or that I'm overreacting. I lost my baby! Why would I want anyone that didn't have to go through that? If I knew that I could've saved Kamryn from staying in bed, I would have had a catheter put in and never left. Isn't it amazing how some people think that they are invincible?

So far so good

So 2008 has been good so far. Thank God. I don't know how much more of 2007 I could've handled. In the paper today there was an obituaryfor a baby that had died at 2 hours old. I had already heard the story of what happened so I wasn't to shocked to see it, but it made me wonder how that mother was doing. Way to start the new year. It also made me thankful. There is never a good time to lose your baby, but it made me thankful that we lost Kamryn semi-early instead of carrying to term. How do you moms do it that carry your babies to term only to have them stillborn? I don't know how I would do it. We had just started buying things for her. Such as diapers wipes, unisex clothing, etc. I can't even imagine having to take apart a whole nursery. You ladies are my heroes.

Don't people talk or read?

Or maybe it's my fault for opening my big mouth. When someone is talking about the horrible things that they endure during pregnancy I find myself saying "oh yeah well for 5 months of my pregnancy I was vomitting. It was so bad I lost 40 lbs." Then the famous question: when did you have a baby? This question has been asked by everyone. Including my supposed friends. It's been almost 11 months and they have no idea? If they were my so called friends wouldn't they know? They do live in the same town that my mother does. It was in the local papers. Then they want to act concerned. Kasey if you need me call me, be strong you'll make it. Well no shit if I wasn't strong how would I have made it this far? As far as calling you goes I don't need your sympathy once again I've dealt with it this long I don't need one more person trying to "help" me.

Come on in 2008!

As well all know 2007 has not been the best year of my life. So I am welcoming 2008 with wide open arms! I hope that this year is 100 times better for not only me but all of you as well. Maybe this will be the year that things will take a turn for the better ( FINALLY). I wish all of you a Happy New Year!!!

Trouble in Paradise

I never took the time to think about what the death of a child would do to a relationship. I guess I just thought that it would go back to how it was. Or maybe I thought it would get better. Instead it has completely nosedived into Hell. Things were good before Kamryn was born ( or maybe I just chose to ignore them because I was so excited about being pregnant). After her death things started getting on my nerves. Things that he's done for forever. Some days are absolutely wonderful and I couldn't ask for better. Most days it's absolute hell. Friends tell me that I shouldn't worry about it because he doesn't beat me or cheat on me. I think it's almost as bad. His mother has always done everything for him, and his dad and uncle tell him that it's a woman's job to serve her man. I say that it's a mans job to support his family and that their son/nephew should get a better job so his "woman" can stay at home and do things there instead of her working two jobs. This shuts them up for awhile but then they're back at it. J doesn't say that it's how things should be but thats how he acts. I have had enough. I don't know what else to do. I can't handle that on top of missing Kamryn so much and dealing with everything else. All on my own. Am I the only one that things are going even more downhill for? I guess what they say is true: when it rains it pours. Pittsburgh isn't sounding so bad right now.

Question of the year

Wow this question left me in absolute shock. J and I were laying on the couch last night watching a movie. Out of nowhere J asked, " Can we try for another baby?" UH WHAT?! Are you out of your damn mind? I feel like I've lost mine this last year, especially the last month, and you ask me that? Of course I just told him that we'd talk about it later, but I couldn't even think about getting pregnant now. I am still grieving for Kamryn and I know that he just wants another baby to take the place of her. No other child could EVER take the place of her.
I am just so flabbergasted that he would even say that. Back in May or June the thought had crossed my mind when our doctor said " the best therapy for losing a baby is to have another one as soon as possible." Then it made a little sense. Now however I sit here thinking " Who the hell was he kidding?"

Thank God no breakdowns

Christmas went off without me breaking down one time. Well except for when I opened my dad's gift. He drew my name for Secret Santa and got me a huge frame with pictures of me from a baby till now with a few pictures of my grandma and great grandma's (the ones that Kamryn is buried by) and I cried hysterically for about 45 minutes. It's the best present I think that I could've asked for. It actually had meaning and I love presents like that. I think that I was only really sad once or twice because we have had so many new additions to our family this year and it was really hard to think that Kamryn should have been there too. It was funny when we found out we were pregnant last year we were in total shock. Already have suffered a miscarriage in May 2006. I had been really sick and went to the doctor. She told me it was the flu. Our friend Jason who was going through EMT class asked my symptoms and told me that it was allergies. After oh about 3 weeks of dealing with this I went back. Exact words from our doctor were: Pharyngitis, sinusitis and a double ear infection on top of being pregnant is enough to beat anyone's ass. Our mouths dropped. Defintely not expecting that. That was Halloween 2006. We didn't tell anyone for 3 weeks. When I told mom I told her exactly what the doctor said and she was as stunned as we were, but hugged me and said that everything would be okay. Now how to tell dad? What better way than to write him a note and put it in his Christmas card. Okay so maybe not the best way to tell someone that their daughter is pregnant but I was out of idea's. Once again he wasn't mad he was just a little stunned. I couldn't even believe the way J told his parents. We were all sitting there getting dinner ready. We hadn't decided when to tell them, but low and behold out of J's mouth came " Hey Grandma and Grandpa! " I was like GEEZ!! They were like yea!! I think they took it the best out of everyone. It was pretty humorous. We were all pretty skeptical of being pregnant since the last time our pregnancy ended at 9 weeks. We had the first ultrasound the day after Thanksgiving. I was so scared that they were going to give us bad news. My eyes were glued to the monitor and as I saw the little heart beating tears streamed down my face. I knew everything was going to be alright. You know after 12 weeks everything is supposed to be fine, especially when they say that there's a strong healthy heartbeat. Boy is that ever wrong. How could we possibly even begin to think that just 7 1/2 weeks later it would all be gone.
Until our situation I had never even heard of a stillbirth. I had no idea how frequently this happens. It's unbelievable how much of the population has no idea about this "club" that we are in.