WTF?!

I don't even know what to say. I just had the urge to blog and bitch about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like my life has come to a complete standstill. I have nothing really to look forward to.I left my job at SE and went back to my old job because it was closer to home. I'm really missing the girls I used to work with and find myself thrown back into something new and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm focusing strictly on work and thats pretty much it. My wonderful mother and I have been fighting about everything under the sun and it just keeps getting worse! And to top everything off I'm missing Kamryn so much lately its sickening to think about.
I've been playing the last two years over and over in my head and I just keep thinking " What happened? When did things start to go wrong? What could I have done to prevent this?" I would never wish be a DBM on anyone!!! How long is this feeling going to last? I told L the other day that eventually it will get easier but it will never completely go away. Why can't I take my own advice? I was reading another blog and it's been 4 years since she lost her son and she still has some of the anger/pain that would of had when it first happened. I don't want to be like that! I want to feel happiness that she doesn't have to go through this but I just keep seeing all of my friends having babies and thinking I WANT MY BABY!!!! ITS NOT FAIR! Why, Why, WHY?!?! Why me? Why any of us? Babies aren't supposed to die! They're not supposed to be buried in some cemetary on the edge of town all by themselves with no one to tuck them in at night. How can I be doing so well and then things blow up in my face when I least expect them. THIS SUCKS! As time goes by I'm slowly forgetting Kamryn's face and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to forget it, but since that wonderful mother of mine told them that we didn't want pictures (she basically said why would I want to remember something like that when she wasn't fully formed. Um maybe because she was MY DAUGHTER!! FUCKIN BITCH) so memory is all I have. She had the cutest little nose and an adorable little puckered mouth. How long till I completely forget it though?

Just rambling

So much has happened since I last posted and I don't exactly know where to start and how to get it all out so forgive me if I ramble on. Michele's sister L had her son, Declan born March 19, 2008 at 25 weeks and 5 days (check out his website at www.caringbridge.org/visit/miraclebaby3) and he passed away May 23, 2008 at 65 days old. I want so bad to e-mail, or write, or send a card but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what to say. I can't even utter the words to L that I desperately wanted to hear last year when we lost Kamryn. Maybe they would make her feel a little relief. Give her a little hope. Or maybe it would make her feel worse ( I honestly don't know how much worse it could get). Two completely different situations yet something so completely the same. We both lost babies that we so desperately wanted. How do you make the pain any easier?
I was talking to my mom today and I told her "I finally understand why no one said anything to me when I lost Kamryn. No one knew what to say. They were scared of what I would say or how I would react. No one knows what to say if they've never lost a child. As for me I've been through all the emotions anger, shock, grief, guilt and still can't say anything."
I just feel so horrible. I think about her every day. How is she doing? I hope she's not making any irrational decisions such as I did. How are her other 2 sons and her husband taking this? I worry about them but I more worry about L.
I only held Kamryn for probably a total of 2 hours. L got to hold Declan and love him (I'm not saying I don't love Kamryn because I do with all of my heart) and dress him and just be a mother to him for 65 days and then let him go. I don't know how her or any of you other deadbaby moms do it. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

My own mother is beside herself in a different state of grief this week. My baby brother (okay so he's 19, not really that young I know) TJ came home from Ft McCoy, WI this week for 4 days and will be shipped out to Iraq for 400 days next Monday. Everything that has to do with the military that she see's makes her cry. I have to admit that it's had the same affect on me though. The other morning on my way to work I passed a military convoy. The tears came streaming down. I'm so worried about him. I know that he'll be okay but it's just not where I pictured him at this point in his life. Saturday night after I said my goodbyes to him and he left headed back to WI a friend of mine saw me crying and said "Kase if it wasn't for guys like your brother we wouldn't be able to do what we're doing right now. I'm grateful for them" Have I mentioned that when I'm down and I don't think i can get any worse my friends are always there with open arms waiting to pick me back up?

Thanks

My friend Sam and I were driving by the cemetary where Kamryn is buried on the way to Emily's soccer game. She asked if we could stop by and visit a previous teachers grave on the way back by. Went to Emily's game, which I am so proud of her for taking that hit like a champ, and then stopped by the cemetary. Sam said lets go to Kamryn's grave first and then to Mrs. W. We walked up the hill to where Kamryn is buried. First thing I noticed is that her marker had been run over and bent to hell by apparently a lawn mower. I started to cry. Sam said "No worries Kase I got this" squatted down and bent in back into shape. Which only made me cry harder. We stood there for a minute and the memories of those last 5 months before she was laid there came flooding back. Its my fault. There had to be a sign. I had to know something was wrong, instead I ignored it all.
We walk back down the hill to visit Mrs. W's grave. As we're walking down the hill I'm still crying she reaches over and grabs my hand and won't let go. Tears continue to fall. At Mrs. W's grave Sam takes one look and says "It wasn't her time to go". I know she meant nothing by it at all but all I could think of was : and you think it was Kamryn's???
At the corner across from Mrs. W's grave is where all the babies are buried (with the exception of Kamryn who is buried at the bottom of my grandma's grave). Something makes me walk across to them. There are two graves with only the funeral home markers on them. From 2001. How could you not even acknowledge your babies grave? Maybe its not all about the things that you see. Maybe its how you remember it in your mind, but it really took me by surprise. I can't imagine not making Kamryn's stone or putting any flowers on her grave.
After crying and looking at how long each baby lived for we turned and walked away. Still holding hands.
Sam turned and looked down over the field behind the cemetary and said "I can picture Kamryn and all the other babies playing over there. Wait, no, we're talking about your kid she'd be over there playing in the mud and then wanting you to hold her" I couldn't help but laugh.
I may get mad at her and not agree with everything that she does but when it comes down to it in the last 9 years she's been there when it really mattered. I am so glad that I at least have one friend like her.

Shut down by my own family.... once again

Its amazing how well I've actually been doing with everything. Including my little brother leaving for Iraq. However like I told Michele it's been going so well in fact that I actually have been waiting for something bad to happen.
Mom and I were at the hospital this afternoon seeing a friend of hers when we walked through the lobby at Southeast and she saw a bulletin board that is to support the troops. I said hey let me show you that brick that Josh's church bought for Kamryn in the memory garden. So I showed it to her and started talking about how I really want to get involved with SHARE. Not only down here but also with the chapter out of St. Louis and that I wanted to go to the walk both in Cape Girardeau and in St. Louis this year. She goes " yeah but we're going to be really busy with Support the Troops." All I could get out was "well yeah but this is really important to me too."
Why can't they just say something a little supportive to make it seem like she was real? Like she was an actual part of the family for even a small period of time. No one in my family even called to check and see how I was doing on her 1 year. Remember what my step-mother said ( Its something that happens get over it). Ugh they just make me so angry.

Nothing that I NEED

I've been thinking about this for well over a year. Josh and I had thought about it and said that if it happened then it happened. Thankfully it never did. However now I just really want a baby. I think about it all the time. I know I do not need one. That I have so much to do with my life before I have a child but once you get that far its hard to go back to nothing. As one of the other bloggers said : I feel like I've been pregnant for 18 months. I have nothing to show for being so damn sick and giving it my all.

Yeah it hurt...

but after the pain of the last year it was nothing. Yes I finally got the tattoo for Kamryn. It is a pair of footprints and then it has her name written underneath it. I absolutely love it. I'll get a picture up here soon.

Wishing to overcome

I don't really understand how my emotions can be a such a high and then bottom out so quickly. This week has been the best that I've probably had in MONTHS. I spent the morning inside the Conservation Departments Nature Center at Memorial Park with Megan and Emily and had pretty much amazing day. No fighting, no bickering, no talking back. Like I said an amazing morning. Had lunch with my mom, came home, logged on and checked to see how the other deadbaby moms (c, charmedgirl, rosalind) are doing. Then goes my mind wandering off as I read the blogs.
I'll never read Kamryn bed time stories, kiss her goodnight, hear her say "I love you mommy" , take her to the park, help her pick out her dress for prom, or see her on her wedding day. All of the things that you instantly start thinking about the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Things that I hadn't really thought about. I just knew that I didn't have Kamryn and it sucked. Still does.
I hate feeling anger, hatred, and jealousy towards my friends that are pregnant. Yet I do and think horrible things. Not exactly wanting anything bad to happen to them just wanting them to know how it feels to lose a child. My friend DL is due July 5 (Kamryn's due date) she still smokes and drinks nothing but caffeine! She said the other day that she loves Kamryn's name and was thinking about calling her daughter Cameron and calling her Cammi. Excuse me what? Everytime we are together she talks non-stop about being pregnant and wants to know everything about how I lost Kamryn. Honestly I can only handle so much of this. I want to scream : I do not want to hear about your baby and how you can feel her kick at all hours or being pregnant ANYMORE! That however would make me a bad friend. I want (not need) a baby. All of my friends have had babies, since I moved to Jackson in 2006. That is 7 women. In our group that leaves me to be the only one without a child. When we get together thats all that is talked about. Wow how our topics of conversation has changed.
I saw a card the other day and it said " Some people say it gets easier with time. Well I'd really like to know when that time will come" I could not agree more. I don't want to feel this anger and grief anymore. It's been a year. I am well aware that I will never forget her. I just want to forget the pain.