Wishing to overcome

I don't really understand how my emotions can be a such a high and then bottom out so quickly. This week has been the best that I've probably had in MONTHS. I spent the morning inside the Conservation Departments Nature Center at Memorial Park with Megan and Emily and had pretty much amazing day. No fighting, no bickering, no talking back. Like I said an amazing morning. Had lunch with my mom, came home, logged on and checked to see how the other deadbaby moms (c, charmedgirl, rosalind) are doing. Then goes my mind wandering off as I read the blogs.
I'll never read Kamryn bed time stories, kiss her goodnight, hear her say "I love you mommy" , take her to the park, help her pick out her dress for prom, or see her on her wedding day. All of the things that you instantly start thinking about the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Things that I hadn't really thought about. I just knew that I didn't have Kamryn and it sucked. Still does.
I hate feeling anger, hatred, and jealousy towards my friends that are pregnant. Yet I do and think horrible things. Not exactly wanting anything bad to happen to them just wanting them to know how it feels to lose a child. My friend DL is due July 5 (Kamryn's due date) she still smokes and drinks nothing but caffeine! She said the other day that she loves Kamryn's name and was thinking about calling her daughter Cameron and calling her Cammi. Excuse me what? Everytime we are together she talks non-stop about being pregnant and wants to know everything about how I lost Kamryn. Honestly I can only handle so much of this. I want to scream : I do not want to hear about your baby and how you can feel her kick at all hours or being pregnant ANYMORE! That however would make me a bad friend. I want (not need) a baby. All of my friends have had babies, since I moved to Jackson in 2006. That is 7 women. In our group that leaves me to be the only one without a child. When we get together thats all that is talked about. Wow how our topics of conversation has changed.
I saw a card the other day and it said " Some people say it gets easier with time. Well I'd really like to know when that time will come" I could not agree more. I don't want to feel this anger and grief anymore. It's been a year. I am well aware that I will never forget her. I just want to forget the pain.

In memory

Since everything didnt go as well as planned for Kamryn's 1 year I have been trying to think of something else to do for her. Michele came up with the idea to get a tattoo to celebrate the end of chemo and adios to cancer. What better way for me to remember Kamryn than something permanent. I dont know when we're going to do this but I am completely excited. I have no idea what to get. Maybe a cross with her name? Baby footprints? A cherub? Ladies I need some ideas.

Diarhea of the mouth

I just got off the phone with my step-mom to see if she wanted to go with me to the cemetary today. She said"why whats going on?" Okay I can grasp the fact that some people may not remember. I said well its been a year since Kamryn was born. She instantly changed the subject and said well how's everything else going? I told her that everything was usually fine until I spoke with Josh and she asked why. I told her how he keeps trying to use his grief against me. This is the part that gets good. She said "Kasey I really don't mean to sound cruel when I say this but miscarriages happen everyday and you have to let them go" At that very moment its probably a very good thing that I was sitting down. All I could do was gasp "I'm trying he's the one who always brings it up but I'm going to let you go". For one of the people that are supposed to care about me more than anything in the world to say that broke my heart into a million pieces! How did she not mean to sound cruel? It was not a miscarriage. It was a stillbirth. Two completely different things. Trust me I've had them both. Yeah miscarriages may happen every day but not to your own daughter! Or for that matter anyone in your own family. I'm not letting it go. I can't do that. She was mine nothing else to say about it.
On to another person that maybe should have thought before she spoke to me. This lady at work last night told me that I was a little on edge and asked what was going on. I told her that today was the 1 yr since we lost our baby girl. Her response: Just look at it this way it could be worse. You could be craving PMS food like J ( another girl that we work with). WHAT?!?! How does that even begin to compare to what I'm going through? I don't know how many more stupid people I can handle today.

1 year later

I still feel like I am a complete disaster. I go through so many emotions a day about her. I still can remember everything like it was yesterday. I still blame myself for everything. When does it get any better? I'm convinced that it doesn't. I asked SHARE about those pictures last Friday and they keep telling me that they'll let me know tomorrow. It has been a week. So when exactly is "tomorrow"?
My mother and me made a small stone for Kamryn's grave. Which we are going to put out there today. Since it's all that I can afford right now it'll have to work. It's cute and it has love put into it so I think I can handle it. I'll post pictures soon. Josh's family however has decided to boycot the event tomorrow, which completely pisses me off! How can they just forget and move on? It doesn't quite seem fair.
It seems like everyone has completely forgotten about Kamryn unless I bring it up. That is everyone but Michele. Michele, I believe, has kind of been like a therapy for me. We are both going through the hardest things that will we ever endure (hers is a little bit worse than mine) and she is always there. Always ready and waiting with open arms to talk about her. Which is such a relief sometimes when no one else wants to talk about her.
Michele, I appreciate all that you have done or said to help me get through and carry on. I honestly have no idea how I would have made it through the last few months without you! Thank you so much.
So tomorrow is the first day I have seen Josh in 4 weeks. He constantly tries to make me feel guilty about his missing Kamryn and like I said before I deal with it on my own so why can't he?
Wish me luck today mommy's. I'm going to need all the strength I can get.

Question for you

When Kamryn was born and they asked if we wanted any pictures my mother, being the gem that she is, told the nurses that we didn't. Ugh okay yes I did but anyways. Michele told me that she talked to a lady who on the 1 year anniversary the hospital told her that they had pictures. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I'm just curious because I would absolutely die if I found out they had pictures of Kamryn! I can barely picture her anymore just her little bird like mouth in a little pucker. God I miss her so much. Anyways anything anyone knows would be greatly appreciated.

Why, why, why?

I've asked you all and myself this question so many times that I should know the answer. I read these blogs from the other moms in deadbabyland and I feel more and more like shit. The reason for my post tonight is that I read a post from beautiful curve and it said that she had no amniotic fluid and her husband had talked about the baby suffocating in the womb. I had never thought about it like that. AT ALL! I had a tablespoon of amniotic fluid when they did the ultrasound to tell me that "this pregnancy is simply not going to end well." It was a week after that before she died. Did she suffer? Was she suffocating? I have this horrible image in my head that won't go away. Maybe till after the 15th it would just be a good idea for me to stay away from deadbabyland. No offense to anyone but I just don't know if I can handle it.

A little confused

So I talked to an old friend of mine (she's actually a friend of Josh's) who happens to be 7 months pregnant and likes to talk about it non freakin stop. Her and Josh have had many talks about how I'm crazy and that I need help and bla bla bla.
She sent me an e-mail saying that she wishes the old Kasey could come back. That the old Kasey never accepted defeat, wasn't afraid to stumble and fall, would admit when she needed help and wouldn't be too proud to say that the death of my little girl had changed my life. That she wishes that I acted differently.
Unfortunately the old Kasey can't come back. I don't accept defeat. I still stumble and fall but I have learned that it doesn't help to stay down you have to get right back up and keep on. I don't need help I've seen therapists and taken medicine, but what exactly does that help? I have found that it doesn't. The biggest of all: I'm not too proud to admit that losing Kamryn has completely flipped my world upside down and it will never be the same again. As far as acting differently how exactly is it that I'm supposed to act? I asked her " Can you honestly say that you would be able to cope better than I have the last year if you lost Connor (the name for her baby)?" Her answer. Oh wait thats right I didn't get an answer.
So as a mom here in deadbabyland I ask you all: How exactly are we to act after we've lost a baby?
I actually think I'm doing pretty well.