SHARE WALK 08

SHARE is an organization that we were introduced to at SE Hospital when Kamryn died. They are absolutely amazing as I have said many times before. They made castings of her feet and gave us a little box with the seashell she was bapitzed with and certificate of baptism along with a little ruler that she was measured with and so forth. They send newsletters once every two months of stories and ideas on how to remember your baby. SHARE also has events in St. Louis such as Angel Ball, Share Walk, Light of Hope ceremony and many others. SE Hospital along with many other local businesses put on a smaller version of the walk down here. They have a dove and balloon release, a speaker, and then you walk around the lake at Cape Memorial (about a mile long). Its such a relief to go to this (we went last year) and see that your not the only one that is going through this here in the area. Last year when I left I felt like this huge weight had been lifted off of my shoulders. Thats why I'm getting a group of my friends to go this year. Since my mother told me sorry couldn't get off work. I've been telling her about it for a year and she just started trying last week. Anyways we want to make shirts for the walk. Pink shirt brown lettering and something that has Kamryn Olivia and 2-15-07 on it. Now I just need a design. Any ideas?

Back again

I sound like a broken record. I'm here once again and I'm pissed. I'm pissed because life itself is not fair. Josh's friend Ashley (remember the one who just had the baby in April?) is pregnant again! This is not fair. Why does this keep happening? Every time I'm up going on. Moving on. Things just crash right back down around me. I'm pissed when I see a young girl thats pregnant. Hell I'm pissed when I see anyone thats pregnant. Okay Kase I thought this was a thing of the past. DAMN IT! When I see a little girl about the age Kamryn should be I get teary eyed and have to excuse myself. This fucking sucks. I'm tired of it. I'm tired of feeling like this. I've been doing so well and suddenly it creeps up on me and down I go. I pulled all of the things of Kamryn's things out tonight (minus the pictures the hospital promised me but never found) and sat on my bed and cried for what seemed like hours. I haven't done that since February and you know what it felt good to cry because I always hold it in. I plaster this smile on my face and act like things are absolutely amazing. Well guess what? Things are not AMAZING, you would never know how torn I was if you saw me walking down the street. I miss her. I blame myself.
Here's just a few of the things that I'm sick to death of hearing:
1) You're young you can have another baby
2) Everything happens for a reason
3) Maybe this is just to prove that you and Josh don't belong together
4) Its life it happens move on (no babies don't die everyday)
5) You didn't really need a baby anyways
6) Miscarriages happen every day (too bad Kamryn was stillborn and not just a miscarriage -its not like the pain would be any less though)
7) You have to let it go (haha thats fuckin hilarious)

I've also cut a certain person out of my life in the last month. My wonderful SS (step-sister). She has never really been there for me .... um EVER. So it really surprised me when on February 15th she showed up bright and early at the hospital to sit with me all day. When I say all day I mean from 5:30 am till about 9:30 pm. She bought me a little pillow and a little stuffed dog that we named Roxie and we sat and watched TV. No words were ever spoken between the two of us besides the "Can I get you anything?" After Kamryn's funeral when everyone went home she called Josh and I and asked us to come to dinner (shocking once again). Sometime that week her tires were slashed and she had a good idea of who did it. She posted a blog. It said and I quote " How could you do this to me when my family and I are going through the worst possible tragedy you could imagine?" Your family and you? I'm sorry was she (or anyone else for that matter ) the one to birth a dead baby? Hold her and then bury her? Didn't really think so. After that I did not talk to her. She never called to see how I was doing, how life in general was going, to say Happy Birthday or say that she was thinking about me and Kamryn on the 1 year. Apparently now however I am the bad sister. Oh well. I've learned that some people expect the world from you however they don't want to do or give anything in return. No I'm not dealing with that anymore. If you are my friend or family I give 110% to you. Especially if I know you are staring something absolutely horrible in the face. I'm not perfect and I'm not going to pretend that I am. At least I can admit it though.

Just not fair

(This is going to be a little bit of rambling and) I know I've said this time and time again, but it's not. Why is it that teenage girls have babies just because they think it would be fun and people that want them can't? Or they use no safety precautions and are on their second or third one at the wonderful age of 20. Why do the people that don't want children, don't want to take care of them, or only want them because of the money have several children? UGH I'm just so pissed off at the world.
Alex, Tiffany and I had scrapbooking night tonight which was very much needed by all three of us. On the way home Alex and I start talking about how we're not exactly where we thought we'd be at in this stage of the game. Then I started talking about how a certain friend of ours is so amazing and how less than an hour after Kamryn was born he was there in our room with us (he was the only friend of ours that saw her) and held us both and cried with us. This started the conversation above. I just don't get it. I don't get why things work the way they do. I personally hate the phrase "everything happens for a reason". My response is always " then please tell me what the hell the reason is!"
The night I came home from the hospital I had this horrible dream. Its the middle of the night and the phone rings. Its the hospital. They say that Kamryn is in the morgue and she's not dead and she's crying and I need to come get her. At this point I wake up completely out of breath and sweating. I've had this dream every night for the last two weeks. She would've been a year old last weekend. What does this mean? I thought by now I'd finally be coming to terms with everything, but in all actuality this year is so much harder than last.

Plain and simple

I want my baby. Thats all I have to say. Danni had Addalyn Kate on July 2 and she is the most beautiful baby I have ever seen. When I saw her for the first time all I could think of was " wow Kamryn should have looked like this" or " Kamryn's nose looked like that" or even just how lucky Danni is to have that beautiful little girl and she doesn't even realize it. She broke every rule of pregnancy there is and yet her baby turned our PERFECT. How is that even possible?
Dana had her daughter Hana (Hanna but spelt different) on July 8 and oh my god as soon as I saw her I thought " Kamryn's little mouth was in a pout like that".
Its tearing me down. I'm so incredibly jealous of all both of my friends have and I so desperately want to be happy for them but find myself yearning to hold my own little girl in a pink frilly dress.
I try to blame my bad mood on other things. Bad day at work, problems with mother dearest, missing TJ, fighting with dad, but it all breaks down to the one thing: I miss her, I want her back and I have no idea how to deal with it. Especially since no one wants to talk about it and when I do they get quiet and say nothing. Basically kind of insinuate that maybe I might need some psychiatric help.
Then reading C's blog I'm left wondering: I had a miscarriage and then a stillbirth (not nearly as many as her 7 losses, which I am so truly sorry for). Am I ever going to be able to hold an alive baby of my own in my arms. Or am I just headed for disaster again and again. I hate thinking like that but damn it thats what this place gets you. Every time you get a little hope for the future you slide right back down to where you were before. A year and a half later and this is the hell hole I'm stuck in. Its looking like I'll never get out.

WTF?!

I don't even know what to say. I just had the urge to blog and bitch about everything that is going on in my life. I feel like my life has come to a complete standstill. I have nothing really to look forward to.I left my job at SE and went back to my old job because it was closer to home. I'm really missing the girls I used to work with and find myself thrown back into something new and I'm trying to come to terms with it. I'm focusing strictly on work and thats pretty much it. My wonderful mother and I have been fighting about everything under the sun and it just keeps getting worse! And to top everything off I'm missing Kamryn so much lately its sickening to think about.
I've been playing the last two years over and over in my head and I just keep thinking " What happened? When did things start to go wrong? What could I have done to prevent this?" I would never wish be a DBM on anyone!!! How long is this feeling going to last? I told L the other day that eventually it will get easier but it will never completely go away. Why can't I take my own advice? I was reading another blog and it's been 4 years since she lost her son and she still has some of the anger/pain that would of had when it first happened. I don't want to be like that! I want to feel happiness that she doesn't have to go through this but I just keep seeing all of my friends having babies and thinking I WANT MY BABY!!!! ITS NOT FAIR! Why, Why, WHY?!?! Why me? Why any of us? Babies aren't supposed to die! They're not supposed to be buried in some cemetary on the edge of town all by themselves with no one to tuck them in at night. How can I be doing so well and then things blow up in my face when I least expect them. THIS SUCKS! As time goes by I'm slowly forgetting Kamryn's face and it scares the hell out of me. I never want to forget it, but since that wonderful mother of mine told them that we didn't want pictures (she basically said why would I want to remember something like that when she wasn't fully formed. Um maybe because she was MY DAUGHTER!! FUCKIN BITCH) so memory is all I have. She had the cutest little nose and an adorable little puckered mouth. How long till I completely forget it though?

Just rambling

So much has happened since I last posted and I don't exactly know where to start and how to get it all out so forgive me if I ramble on. Michele's sister L had her son, Declan born March 19, 2008 at 25 weeks and 5 days (check out his website at www.caringbridge.org/visit/miraclebaby3) and he passed away May 23, 2008 at 65 days old. I want so bad to e-mail, or write, or send a card but I can't bring myself to do it. I don't know what to say. I can't even utter the words to L that I desperately wanted to hear last year when we lost Kamryn. Maybe they would make her feel a little relief. Give her a little hope. Or maybe it would make her feel worse ( I honestly don't know how much worse it could get). Two completely different situations yet something so completely the same. We both lost babies that we so desperately wanted. How do you make the pain any easier?
I was talking to my mom today and I told her "I finally understand why no one said anything to me when I lost Kamryn. No one knew what to say. They were scared of what I would say or how I would react. No one knows what to say if they've never lost a child. As for me I've been through all the emotions anger, shock, grief, guilt and still can't say anything."
I just feel so horrible. I think about her every day. How is she doing? I hope she's not making any irrational decisions such as I did. How are her other 2 sons and her husband taking this? I worry about them but I more worry about L.
I only held Kamryn for probably a total of 2 hours. L got to hold Declan and love him (I'm not saying I don't love Kamryn because I do with all of my heart) and dress him and just be a mother to him for 65 days and then let him go. I don't know how her or any of you other deadbaby moms do it. It makes me sick just thinking about it.

My own mother is beside herself in a different state of grief this week. My baby brother (okay so he's 19, not really that young I know) TJ came home from Ft McCoy, WI this week for 4 days and will be shipped out to Iraq for 400 days next Monday. Everything that has to do with the military that she see's makes her cry. I have to admit that it's had the same affect on me though. The other morning on my way to work I passed a military convoy. The tears came streaming down. I'm so worried about him. I know that he'll be okay but it's just not where I pictured him at this point in his life. Saturday night after I said my goodbyes to him and he left headed back to WI a friend of mine saw me crying and said "Kase if it wasn't for guys like your brother we wouldn't be able to do what we're doing right now. I'm grateful for them" Have I mentioned that when I'm down and I don't think i can get any worse my friends are always there with open arms waiting to pick me back up?

Thanks

My friend Sam and I were driving by the cemetary where Kamryn is buried on the way to Emily's soccer game. She asked if we could stop by and visit a previous teachers grave on the way back by. Went to Emily's game, which I am so proud of her for taking that hit like a champ, and then stopped by the cemetary. Sam said lets go to Kamryn's grave first and then to Mrs. W. We walked up the hill to where Kamryn is buried. First thing I noticed is that her marker had been run over and bent to hell by apparently a lawn mower. I started to cry. Sam said "No worries Kase I got this" squatted down and bent in back into shape. Which only made me cry harder. We stood there for a minute and the memories of those last 5 months before she was laid there came flooding back. Its my fault. There had to be a sign. I had to know something was wrong, instead I ignored it all.
We walk back down the hill to visit Mrs. W's grave. As we're walking down the hill I'm still crying she reaches over and grabs my hand and won't let go. Tears continue to fall. At Mrs. W's grave Sam takes one look and says "It wasn't her time to go". I know she meant nothing by it at all but all I could think of was : and you think it was Kamryn's???
At the corner across from Mrs. W's grave is where all the babies are buried (with the exception of Kamryn who is buried at the bottom of my grandma's grave). Something makes me walk across to them. There are two graves with only the funeral home markers on them. From 2001. How could you not even acknowledge your babies grave? Maybe its not all about the things that you see. Maybe its how you remember it in your mind, but it really took me by surprise. I can't imagine not making Kamryn's stone or putting any flowers on her grave.
After crying and looking at how long each baby lived for we turned and walked away. Still holding hands.
Sam turned and looked down over the field behind the cemetary and said "I can picture Kamryn and all the other babies playing over there. Wait, no, we're talking about your kid she'd be over there playing in the mud and then wanting you to hold her" I couldn't help but laugh.
I may get mad at her and not agree with everything that she does but when it comes down to it in the last 9 years she's been there when it really mattered. I am so glad that I at least have one friend like her.

Shut down by my own family.... once again

Its amazing how well I've actually been doing with everything. Including my little brother leaving for Iraq. However like I told Michele it's been going so well in fact that I actually have been waiting for something bad to happen.
Mom and I were at the hospital this afternoon seeing a friend of hers when we walked through the lobby at Southeast and she saw a bulletin board that is to support the troops. I said hey let me show you that brick that Josh's church bought for Kamryn in the memory garden. So I showed it to her and started talking about how I really want to get involved with SHARE. Not only down here but also with the chapter out of St. Louis and that I wanted to go to the walk both in Cape Girardeau and in St. Louis this year. She goes " yeah but we're going to be really busy with Support the Troops." All I could get out was "well yeah but this is really important to me too."
Why can't they just say something a little supportive to make it seem like she was real? Like she was an actual part of the family for even a small period of time. No one in my family even called to check and see how I was doing on her 1 year. Remember what my step-mother said ( Its something that happens get over it). Ugh they just make me so angry.

Nothing that I NEED

I've been thinking about this for well over a year. Josh and I had thought about it and said that if it happened then it happened. Thankfully it never did. However now I just really want a baby. I think about it all the time. I know I do not need one. That I have so much to do with my life before I have a child but once you get that far its hard to go back to nothing. As one of the other bloggers said : I feel like I've been pregnant for 18 months. I have nothing to show for being so damn sick and giving it my all.

Yeah it hurt...

but after the pain of the last year it was nothing. Yes I finally got the tattoo for Kamryn. It is a pair of footprints and then it has her name written underneath it. I absolutely love it. I'll get a picture up here soon.

Wishing to overcome

I don't really understand how my emotions can be a such a high and then bottom out so quickly. This week has been the best that I've probably had in MONTHS. I spent the morning inside the Conservation Departments Nature Center at Memorial Park with Megan and Emily and had pretty much amazing day. No fighting, no bickering, no talking back. Like I said an amazing morning. Had lunch with my mom, came home, logged on and checked to see how the other deadbaby moms (c, charmedgirl, rosalind) are doing. Then goes my mind wandering off as I read the blogs.
I'll never read Kamryn bed time stories, kiss her goodnight, hear her say "I love you mommy" , take her to the park, help her pick out her dress for prom, or see her on her wedding day. All of the things that you instantly start thinking about the moment you find out that you are pregnant. Things that I hadn't really thought about. I just knew that I didn't have Kamryn and it sucked. Still does.
I hate feeling anger, hatred, and jealousy towards my friends that are pregnant. Yet I do and think horrible things. Not exactly wanting anything bad to happen to them just wanting them to know how it feels to lose a child. My friend DL is due July 5 (Kamryn's due date) she still smokes and drinks nothing but caffeine! She said the other day that she loves Kamryn's name and was thinking about calling her daughter Cameron and calling her Cammi. Excuse me what? Everytime we are together she talks non-stop about being pregnant and wants to know everything about how I lost Kamryn. Honestly I can only handle so much of this. I want to scream : I do not want to hear about your baby and how you can feel her kick at all hours or being pregnant ANYMORE! That however would make me a bad friend. I want (not need) a baby. All of my friends have had babies, since I moved to Jackson in 2006. That is 7 women. In our group that leaves me to be the only one without a child. When we get together thats all that is talked about. Wow how our topics of conversation has changed.
I saw a card the other day and it said " Some people say it gets easier with time. Well I'd really like to know when that time will come" I could not agree more. I don't want to feel this anger and grief anymore. It's been a year. I am well aware that I will never forget her. I just want to forget the pain.

In memory

Since everything didnt go as well as planned for Kamryn's 1 year I have been trying to think of something else to do for her. Michele came up with the idea to get a tattoo to celebrate the end of chemo and adios to cancer. What better way for me to remember Kamryn than something permanent. I dont know when we're going to do this but I am completely excited. I have no idea what to get. Maybe a cross with her name? Baby footprints? A cherub? Ladies I need some ideas.

Diarhea of the mouth

I just got off the phone with my step-mom to see if she wanted to go with me to the cemetary today. She said"why whats going on?" Okay I can grasp the fact that some people may not remember. I said well its been a year since Kamryn was born. She instantly changed the subject and said well how's everything else going? I told her that everything was usually fine until I spoke with Josh and she asked why. I told her how he keeps trying to use his grief against me. This is the part that gets good. She said "Kasey I really don't mean to sound cruel when I say this but miscarriages happen everyday and you have to let them go" At that very moment its probably a very good thing that I was sitting down. All I could do was gasp "I'm trying he's the one who always brings it up but I'm going to let you go". For one of the people that are supposed to care about me more than anything in the world to say that broke my heart into a million pieces! How did she not mean to sound cruel? It was not a miscarriage. It was a stillbirth. Two completely different things. Trust me I've had them both. Yeah miscarriages may happen every day but not to your own daughter! Or for that matter anyone in your own family. I'm not letting it go. I can't do that. She was mine nothing else to say about it.
On to another person that maybe should have thought before she spoke to me. This lady at work last night told me that I was a little on edge and asked what was going on. I told her that today was the 1 yr since we lost our baby girl. Her response: Just look at it this way it could be worse. You could be craving PMS food like J ( another girl that we work with). WHAT?!?! How does that even begin to compare to what I'm going through? I don't know how many more stupid people I can handle today.

1 year later

I still feel like I am a complete disaster. I go through so many emotions a day about her. I still can remember everything like it was yesterday. I still blame myself for everything. When does it get any better? I'm convinced that it doesn't. I asked SHARE about those pictures last Friday and they keep telling me that they'll let me know tomorrow. It has been a week. So when exactly is "tomorrow"?
My mother and me made a small stone for Kamryn's grave. Which we are going to put out there today. Since it's all that I can afford right now it'll have to work. It's cute and it has love put into it so I think I can handle it. I'll post pictures soon. Josh's family however has decided to boycot the event tomorrow, which completely pisses me off! How can they just forget and move on? It doesn't quite seem fair.
It seems like everyone has completely forgotten about Kamryn unless I bring it up. That is everyone but Michele. Michele, I believe, has kind of been like a therapy for me. We are both going through the hardest things that will we ever endure (hers is a little bit worse than mine) and she is always there. Always ready and waiting with open arms to talk about her. Which is such a relief sometimes when no one else wants to talk about her.
Michele, I appreciate all that you have done or said to help me get through and carry on. I honestly have no idea how I would have made it through the last few months without you! Thank you so much.
So tomorrow is the first day I have seen Josh in 4 weeks. He constantly tries to make me feel guilty about his missing Kamryn and like I said before I deal with it on my own so why can't he?
Wish me luck today mommy's. I'm going to need all the strength I can get.

Question for you

When Kamryn was born and they asked if we wanted any pictures my mother, being the gem that she is, told the nurses that we didn't. Ugh okay yes I did but anyways. Michele told me that she talked to a lady who on the 1 year anniversary the hospital told her that they had pictures. Has this ever happened to anyone else? I'm just curious because I would absolutely die if I found out they had pictures of Kamryn! I can barely picture her anymore just her little bird like mouth in a little pucker. God I miss her so much. Anyways anything anyone knows would be greatly appreciated.

Why, why, why?

I've asked you all and myself this question so many times that I should know the answer. I read these blogs from the other moms in deadbabyland and I feel more and more like shit. The reason for my post tonight is that I read a post from beautiful curve and it said that she had no amniotic fluid and her husband had talked about the baby suffocating in the womb. I had never thought about it like that. AT ALL! I had a tablespoon of amniotic fluid when they did the ultrasound to tell me that "this pregnancy is simply not going to end well." It was a week after that before she died. Did she suffer? Was she suffocating? I have this horrible image in my head that won't go away. Maybe till after the 15th it would just be a good idea for me to stay away from deadbabyland. No offense to anyone but I just don't know if I can handle it.

A little confused

So I talked to an old friend of mine (she's actually a friend of Josh's) who happens to be 7 months pregnant and likes to talk about it non freakin stop. Her and Josh have had many talks about how I'm crazy and that I need help and bla bla bla.
She sent me an e-mail saying that she wishes the old Kasey could come back. That the old Kasey never accepted defeat, wasn't afraid to stumble and fall, would admit when she needed help and wouldn't be too proud to say that the death of my little girl had changed my life. That she wishes that I acted differently.
Unfortunately the old Kasey can't come back. I don't accept defeat. I still stumble and fall but I have learned that it doesn't help to stay down you have to get right back up and keep on. I don't need help I've seen therapists and taken medicine, but what exactly does that help? I have found that it doesn't. The biggest of all: I'm not too proud to admit that losing Kamryn has completely flipped my world upside down and it will never be the same again. As far as acting differently how exactly is it that I'm supposed to act? I asked her " Can you honestly say that you would be able to cope better than I have the last year if you lost Connor (the name for her baby)?" Her answer. Oh wait thats right I didn't get an answer.
So as a mom here in deadbabyland I ask you all: How exactly are we to act after we've lost a baby?
I actually think I'm doing pretty well.

Snow falling down.... along with my mood

So I am officially completely moved into and settled into my house. Aside from the constant parade of 19 year old boys through the house it's really good. I'm sleeping good, saw a couple of old friends, and lost a few pounds. I have been in th crappiest mood though lately. This last week has been horrible. I have been sick with Influenza A for a over a week. So contagious that I didn't go to work at the hospital for 3 days and that I can't even go back to Emily's till next Monday!! I miss them so much!! Not only have I been sick but I have been in a depression. I've cried myself to sleep 3 out of 5 nights thinking about Kamryn. It just sucks and then I pull out the stuff that I have from the hospital thinking that it would make me feel better. Boy was I ever wrong. It made it 15 times worse. Also putting me in this depression was the death of my neighbor from the apartment, Alvis. The day I moved out she was taken to the hospital and she died Monday. Josh and I actually got together and went to her funeral. She was buried in Leopold, which is where Josh's family is originally from. As morbid as it may sound we walked around the cemetary and looked at all the headstones and found the kids. I was so shocked by all the dead babies with his last name out there. Maybe its something that runs in his family. I couldn't help but wonder that as we walked through. That is the first time that we talked since I left there. I happened to learn a lot more heartwrenching things about my relationship right before I moved my things. As much as I knew it was failing I never would have thought that they could be that horrible. Kamryn's 1 year is quickly approaching and I have no idea what to do with myself. I don't know if I should celebrate the day or mourn the day. Anyone have any ideas? Let me know. Snow is falling down so hard tonight that school has been closed for everyone tomorrow. So much that as much work as I've missed the last week I am seriously considering calling in and hanging out with my new friend Jordan. Snow and winter just make me depressed. Then you throw in the month of February and it just throws everything off. Oh I forgot to mention that one of the teenage girls I used to work with found out she was pregnant on Halloween this last year (the same day I did) is having a girl and has an ultrasound on February 5th ( the same day we found out something was wrong) and is due July 1st instead of July 2nd (like me). As much as I want to be happy it's just really hard. Okay enough from me. Hope everyone enjoys the weather.

My new home

I love being home. This is what it really is. It is the place where I spent the 6 years before I moved out on my own. Yeah it sucks that I had to move home, but it's temporary. At least to get me through college. I'm painting walls and moving in this weekend. Thankfully it's big enough that I can basically have my own apartment (bedroom, kitchen, living room, bathroom, and laundry room). After the last year it's good to have something to look forward to like this. It's a chance to reconnect with my old friends and hang out with my mom. Who is really like my best friend anymore. I need this stability right now with the anniversary of Kamryn's death less than a month away. I hope I deal with it well. Wish me luck. I think that this year I am going to volunteer to help plan the SHARE walk this year. It is an absolutely amazing experience.The program has helped me so much in the last year. They send newsletters, plan events, and how to survive the holidays ideas. I'm so glad that something like this was available to us. It's the least I can do to raise money for them. Okay so now I'm babbling.

As if it wasn't enough...

As if it wasn't enough with everything else going on my little brother called me. He's 19 and he joined the Army Reserves back in May thinking that it would be good for him to get out of our hometown for awhile, not to mention they pay for your schooling. He loved basic training. He actually said he wished he could go back. I know sounds crazy. Anyways when he called me last night and I answered he got straight to the point " Kasey I leave February 1st" I was like oh yeah for what? He said that when he leaves in February they will do 30 days at Fort Leanardwood and 30 days in Wisconsin, then to Iraq. WTF? I guess it might be a little different if we had actually seen him at all since he's been home but he' s been too busy with all of his friends. I guess I shouldn't have told Scott yesterday that my week couldn't get much worse because there it is. My uncle Tom however is home from Iraq this weekend and I'm going to see him tonight. He drives jet fuel between the bases. Ugh this is too much this week.